I've been thinking more about aggression lately as you may have noticed from the previous blog. For the last several months, I've been facilitating Aggression Control therapeutic groups at the prisons. The curriculum I was given to work with was bare bones at best and while it all makes sense on paper, explaining these concepts to these guys is a real challenge. I add my own material and make it as alive and relevant as possible. Can you imagine walking into a room of about 8 to 10 violent offenders and telling them they have choices? My first group rule is ALWAYS that the therapist (me) stays safe. Then they have to promise not to hurt each other.
I would say that most people I know, in the Free World, are not aggressive types. Yes, they may become verbally aggressive at times but how many of you get in fist fights on a regular basis? But take the population with which I work. Some of these guys were born into aggressive households, been physically (and otherwise abused), been removed and placed into foster care and then continued to be abused or fight back until they were placed in TYC. That's when they really learned to fight just to stay alive.
There is one inmate who had a background similar to this and then killed a man while under the influence of narcotics. He has no recollection of the murder. He was sentenced to 35 years in prison. He was 17 at the time. When he entered TDCJ, at 17, someone tried to rape him. He knew that if he allowed himself to be raped by this one person, he would be the target of many more assaults. So he killed that person, too. And he got more years added on to his sentence. But he was not the victim of any further attempts at sexual assault. When I met this man, who is now in his early 30s about a year ago, he was handcuffed and shackled, being dragged into a solitary cell and about to be gassed for becoming violent with security guard. I've worked with him for about a year now, both individually and in group therapy. I've witnessed the bravado, the fears, and the vulnerability of a man who was never allowed to be a boy. He has come such a long way, he now uses humor instead of threats of aggression. He's learned that not everyone is a physical threat to him. But make no mistake, in prison, these guys never know when the next attack is coming. He "graduated" from group therapy a few weeks ago and credited me with the changes he's made. And when I reminded him that he is the one who did the work, I think he really believed it. But despite all the work he's done, despite the changes in behavior and attitude, this young man will probably still spend at least 15 more years in prison. Think of all he will have missed. High school, dating, the first job, marriage, children, a home of his own, friendships and relationships. He doesn't engage in self-pity and I, for the most part, don't pity him either. But I have to wonder, what are we doing here?
We allow children to be brought up in aggressive homes, they watch aggressive television and movies, play bloody video games, and then when they act aggressively we punish them by putting them into prisons where they must use aggression to stay alive or at least stay unmolested.
Well, I do my little part. I teach the principles of assertiveness rather than aggression. I teach long-term consequences and payoffs. We do role plays and analyze previous situations they've encountered. I tell them the only appropriate time to use aggression is when either they or someone they care about is being threatened. That part they get. I'm not teaching pacifism here.
Sometimes it irritates me when I hear people talking about the inmates as an us/them situation. As if only monsters would behave aggressively; surely civilized people would never do these things. Now don't get me wrong, I always teach choice. Sometimes our choices are rather limited but we do have them. And even being brought up in a terrible home and foster care and everything else does NOT give anyone an excuse to be violent toward another person. And there are plenty of inmates in prison who did have good homes and all advantages and still made terrible choices. I'm just saying, can't we look at these problems as affecting all of us? An aggressive society costs us so much in terms of money spent housing inmates, the legal processes, thefts, injuries to victims, and so on. And it continues to cost one young man who has been in prison for 17 years and has no chance of leaving anytime in the near future.
What are you doing to create a more peaceful world?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Aggression, Violence & War
I was checking out something on the APA website yesterday and came across an archived statement that was of interest to me. I'm sharing in case anyone else finds it thought-provoking.
First of all, this APA is the American Psychiatric Association and when I read this "Position Statement" I thought it had just been posted. Everything seem so relevant to today's international environment. It wasn't until I was about halfway through that I thought to look at the date - it was written/approved on June 23, 1948. I'll just recreate an excerpt here but I encourage you to check out the entire statement on the website.
"The American Psychiatric Association is seriously concerned about the unusual psychological features which are part of the present international tensions. It believes it has a duty to offer a statement on these matters for the attention of national leaders in all countries and for the general public, whose health and welfare are intimately related to international tensions.
The American Psychiatric Association makes this statement because psychiatrists are expected to understand the psychological causes of difficult and faulty interpersonal relationships, and should be able to offer some advice on their improvement. Such knowledge and advice should be applicable whether the adjustment difficulties are between individuals or groups of individuals, even national groups of individuals.
Basically, antagonisms are due to the activity of the self-preservative tendencies and their accompanyng emotions of fear or greed. The original biologic value of such reactions was to insure progress and development and increasing superiority of the species. The utilization of this primitive behavior, harsh and cruel as it may have appeared to the weaker strains, has led to the evolution of Man.
But if Man is to survive and develop to still higher levels of intellectual and social achievement, should he not now utilize friendly cooperation rather than aggressive antagonisms?
This question is directed to all national leaders because they so largely guide the feeling, thinking and bevahior of the gneral public in their respective nations.
Those who have had the opporutnity of observing the general public in countries other than their own, realize there are only minor differences between the citizens of various countries. The friendly kindness of the common people, their willingness to work for the common good, their love of their children and their homes, their diligence and their self-sacrifice - these virtues and values are shared by nearly all people in all civilizied countries.
But if the common man begins to fear he may lose these necessary values to the good life, either by actual or threatened aggression from without, or by unfair propaganda from within by unprincipled leaders, the masses of the people may easily be induced to take a position of antagonism. They may develop anxiety and fears to and even incorrect beliefs about the common peple in other countries. To overcome these fears, to overcome this sense of insecurity, actual warfare may result...mutual confidence between leaders of the people in all countries, combined with mutual honesty, mutual forbearance, mutual support - positive healthful attitudes, conveyed from the leaders to their followers - should lead to a higher, better and healthier civilization than any we have known in the past."
Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it, what the authors of that statement, written 60 years ago, would think of how much "higher" our civilization has evolved.
First of all, this APA is the American Psychiatric Association and when I read this "Position Statement" I thought it had just been posted. Everything seem so relevant to today's international environment. It wasn't until I was about halfway through that I thought to look at the date - it was written/approved on June 23, 1948. I'll just recreate an excerpt here but I encourage you to check out the entire statement on the website.
"The American Psychiatric Association is seriously concerned about the unusual psychological features which are part of the present international tensions. It believes it has a duty to offer a statement on these matters for the attention of national leaders in all countries and for the general public, whose health and welfare are intimately related to international tensions.
The American Psychiatric Association makes this statement because psychiatrists are expected to understand the psychological causes of difficult and faulty interpersonal relationships, and should be able to offer some advice on their improvement. Such knowledge and advice should be applicable whether the adjustment difficulties are between individuals or groups of individuals, even national groups of individuals.
Basically, antagonisms are due to the activity of the self-preservative tendencies and their accompanyng emotions of fear or greed. The original biologic value of such reactions was to insure progress and development and increasing superiority of the species. The utilization of this primitive behavior, harsh and cruel as it may have appeared to the weaker strains, has led to the evolution of Man.
But if Man is to survive and develop to still higher levels of intellectual and social achievement, should he not now utilize friendly cooperation rather than aggressive antagonisms?
This question is directed to all national leaders because they so largely guide the feeling, thinking and bevahior of the gneral public in their respective nations.
Those who have had the opporutnity of observing the general public in countries other than their own, realize there are only minor differences between the citizens of various countries. The friendly kindness of the common people, their willingness to work for the common good, their love of their children and their homes, their diligence and their self-sacrifice - these virtues and values are shared by nearly all people in all civilizied countries.
But if the common man begins to fear he may lose these necessary values to the good life, either by actual or threatened aggression from without, or by unfair propaganda from within by unprincipled leaders, the masses of the people may easily be induced to take a position of antagonism. They may develop anxiety and fears to and even incorrect beliefs about the common peple in other countries. To overcome these fears, to overcome this sense of insecurity, actual warfare may result...mutual confidence between leaders of the people in all countries, combined with mutual honesty, mutual forbearance, mutual support - positive healthful attitudes, conveyed from the leaders to their followers - should lead to a higher, better and healthier civilization than any we have known in the past."
Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it, what the authors of that statement, written 60 years ago, would think of how much "higher" our civilization has evolved.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
A long night's journey
Baby Luke has been having some health problems. I would say mysterious because no one seems to know exactly what it is but I think that word connotes something pleasant -- and this is not. Can we just say the scary unknown? It started a month ago with him waking in the night, arching his back, and screaming bloody murder. I called the 24-hour UTMB nursing number and waited for a call back. By the time it came, he was calmer and even smiling. So I just considered the episode a fluke.
Forward to a few weeks ago when it happened again. The screaming lasts anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes. Nothing I do helps. I've had suggestions to use massage, foot reflexology, warm baths, you name it. Nothing helps him. All I can do is keep him from hurting himself while he thrashes about.
We went to see his pediatrician but had to see another doc in the practice. She suggested cutting out all dairy in case it was an allergy. So we did. Do you have any idea how difficult it can be to teach daycare workers that dairy can take many forms? "All we gave him was the cheese goldfish. No dairy, see?" Then, even off the dairy and on soymilk, he continues to have the episodes. This doc also said he may be having night terrors. But I look that up in my little ole' DSM-IV to find that he does not meet the criteria for that. It happens in REM sleep, lasts more than the 10 minutes, and he is responsive to stimuli.
Back to the doctor (his, this time). I'm told he may be having Reflux again. Or it could be Intermittent Intususseption (spelling?). If it's reflux, these handy dandy prevacid tablets will work. If not, and it's the long thing, he may need surgery to correct his intestines "telescoping" into one another. If it's not corrected in time, he could lose part of his intestines or get an infection and die. I was voting for the reflux here. So onto the prevacid last Friday. And lo and behold, no painful episodes for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I even call his doc and leave a message that the prevacid did the trick!
About 2 hours later, after the doc has closed, we have another episode while he's playing. He suddenly falls to the floor, screaming, tears running down his face, and he's arching his back so far I'm worried about an injury. I decide to take him to the hospital. We go to one of the nearby hospitals and find it is full to the brim with folks. Do you know people actually bring in take-out and have like picnics in there? Yuk! After an hour, with no triage, I asked how much longer. Luke was feeling fine then and hard to keep away from the weird chicken eating people. The receptionist/nurse asked, "what was he here for again?" So I left. I figured I'd be better off at home and how likely was it that he'd have another episode before Tuesday?
Right. I had just put him to bed and took some meds myself. I've been sick all weekend and running about 102 fever. I'm just about to lay down when it starts again. Since someone had suggested I actually film what he looks like doing this, I did. I could not stand seeing him crying and watching me filming him. What a terrible idea. So we jump into clothes and back to a hospital but not the same one. This time I take him to the other local hospital. A better one. You may ask why I didn't take him there to begin with. But then you may not know that my daughter died in that hospital. So I took him there and just did what I had to do. We were triaged in pretty good time there. I think we arrived about 10:30, were triaged by 11:15 and then...well then we waited. We were taken back into the exam room at 2:00 a.m. He had an X-Ray of his tummy. We waited. At about 4:00 a.m., after another episode of pain, we were finally seen. It may have helped our case that I carried his screaming body into the nurses' station asking how much longer. The doc says there is some obstruction and he thinks there may be constipation in spite of the several diarrhea diapers he's had over the past two days. Something about having both? So we got an Rx for pain meds and suppositories. He also said that since their hospital is not really equipped for pediatrics, we'd be better off going into UTMB if we need more tests. And that's what I had been thinking. He also said that UTMB radiologists literally wrote the textbook that pediatric radiologists all over the country use.
So I guess that may be our next step. I have to call the pediatrician and get further instructions.
I kept telling myself last night that since one of my children has died, surely I wouldn't lose another one. And if I were at the same hospital, wouldn't that remind the cosmic forces or something? Except I really don't believe it works like that. All I know is that I have to take the best care of this little guy that I can. Enjoy every minute of his life I get to spend with him. And pray for the best.
Forward to a few weeks ago when it happened again. The screaming lasts anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes. Nothing I do helps. I've had suggestions to use massage, foot reflexology, warm baths, you name it. Nothing helps him. All I can do is keep him from hurting himself while he thrashes about.
We went to see his pediatrician but had to see another doc in the practice. She suggested cutting out all dairy in case it was an allergy. So we did. Do you have any idea how difficult it can be to teach daycare workers that dairy can take many forms? "All we gave him was the cheese goldfish. No dairy, see?" Then, even off the dairy and on soymilk, he continues to have the episodes. This doc also said he may be having night terrors. But I look that up in my little ole' DSM-IV to find that he does not meet the criteria for that. It happens in REM sleep, lasts more than the 10 minutes, and he is responsive to stimuli.
Back to the doctor (his, this time). I'm told he may be having Reflux again. Or it could be Intermittent Intususseption (spelling?). If it's reflux, these handy dandy prevacid tablets will work. If not, and it's the long thing, he may need surgery to correct his intestines "telescoping" into one another. If it's not corrected in time, he could lose part of his intestines or get an infection and die. I was voting for the reflux here. So onto the prevacid last Friday. And lo and behold, no painful episodes for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I even call his doc and leave a message that the prevacid did the trick!
About 2 hours later, after the doc has closed, we have another episode while he's playing. He suddenly falls to the floor, screaming, tears running down his face, and he's arching his back so far I'm worried about an injury. I decide to take him to the hospital. We go to one of the nearby hospitals and find it is full to the brim with folks. Do you know people actually bring in take-out and have like picnics in there? Yuk! After an hour, with no triage, I asked how much longer. Luke was feeling fine then and hard to keep away from the weird chicken eating people. The receptionist/nurse asked, "what was he here for again?" So I left. I figured I'd be better off at home and how likely was it that he'd have another episode before Tuesday?
Right. I had just put him to bed and took some meds myself. I've been sick all weekend and running about 102 fever. I'm just about to lay down when it starts again. Since someone had suggested I actually film what he looks like doing this, I did. I could not stand seeing him crying and watching me filming him. What a terrible idea. So we jump into clothes and back to a hospital but not the same one. This time I take him to the other local hospital. A better one. You may ask why I didn't take him there to begin with. But then you may not know that my daughter died in that hospital. So I took him there and just did what I had to do. We were triaged in pretty good time there. I think we arrived about 10:30, were triaged by 11:15 and then...well then we waited. We were taken back into the exam room at 2:00 a.m. He had an X-Ray of his tummy. We waited. At about 4:00 a.m., after another episode of pain, we were finally seen. It may have helped our case that I carried his screaming body into the nurses' station asking how much longer. The doc says there is some obstruction and he thinks there may be constipation in spite of the several diarrhea diapers he's had over the past two days. Something about having both? So we got an Rx for pain meds and suppositories. He also said that since their hospital is not really equipped for pediatrics, we'd be better off going into UTMB if we need more tests. And that's what I had been thinking. He also said that UTMB radiologists literally wrote the textbook that pediatric radiologists all over the country use.
So I guess that may be our next step. I have to call the pediatrician and get further instructions.
I kept telling myself last night that since one of my children has died, surely I wouldn't lose another one. And if I were at the same hospital, wouldn't that remind the cosmic forces or something? Except I really don't believe it works like that. All I know is that I have to take the best care of this little guy that I can. Enjoy every minute of his life I get to spend with him. And pray for the best.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I'm back
I noticed when I logged on that it's been almost a year since my last post. Unbelievable. Of course, the last year has been unbelievable in many ways. My friend Candice is fond of lists so perhaps that's how I can summarize and get back in the stream.
First, the Bad Stuff...
1. Losing Rachel - my lovely daughter died suddenly 5 months ago. My world ended and like so many others who have survived the death of a loved one, it was unbelievable that the world continued to exist. Other people laughed. I was expected to eat, sleep, work, and care for the little ones. I miss Rachel more than words can express. Nothing more on that now. Maybe later. Maybe never.
2. My work life was almost unbearable there for a while. Not the work itself but the supervisor I was dealing with. I had to file a formal complaint and go through all of that process. He has apologized now and there's some comfort in that. Still. He made my life (more) miserable.
3. My health. My back is deteriorating but the pain gets stronger. Weird, huh?
4. I had to put my dog, Chance, to sleep last May. I had him for about 12 years and so of course, I still miss him. I guess I always will.
5. Luke had health problems. He was sick almost all the time. Taking off work, doctor visits, trying everything to get him better. Found out he had allergies so I guess we can put this into the good list -- he's been much healthier since he's been on the Claritin and inhaled steroids.
6. Since the last posting, my other daughter has got clean, relapsed, and then got clean again. Attempted suicide. She's alive and getting healthy. Again, with moving to the good list stuff. That or I'm just an eternal optimist.
Let's go on the good stuff.
1. I moved into an apartment that I love in Friendswood.
2. I still love my work. Yes, I'm still at the prison. I'm facilitating several group therapy topics. Great to see a few folks actually learn stuff.
3. Luke is developing so well. I had concerns about him and know he's not out of the woods yet. There are still some things he has trouble with but overall, he's a dynamite kid!
4. I'm getting to adopt Luke!
5. I get to have my two "big kid" grandchildren almost every weekend.
6. I haven't had to use my cane in months!
7. I have good work friends.
8. I still have good friends from other areas in my life. This is a big GOOD one.
9. I'm taking the exam for my LPC soon.
10. The sun is shining today. We're going out to play now.
So, if anyone still checks in here or will again, just know that I appreciate all of you. Writing about anything was tough for a while. But I'm getting stronger and healing. Okay, wait a minute. What does healing mean? Not hurting so much? Not hurting so often? Finding happy moments again? Yes, maybe that's it. In that case, I'm on my way. I still miss you, though honey. Always will. Until I see you again. I'll always be your mom. Unless, of course, you want to be the mom next time around. Whatever.
First, the Bad Stuff...
1. Losing Rachel - my lovely daughter died suddenly 5 months ago. My world ended and like so many others who have survived the death of a loved one, it was unbelievable that the world continued to exist. Other people laughed. I was expected to eat, sleep, work, and care for the little ones. I miss Rachel more than words can express. Nothing more on that now. Maybe later. Maybe never.
2. My work life was almost unbearable there for a while. Not the work itself but the supervisor I was dealing with. I had to file a formal complaint and go through all of that process. He has apologized now and there's some comfort in that. Still. He made my life (more) miserable.
3. My health. My back is deteriorating but the pain gets stronger. Weird, huh?
4. I had to put my dog, Chance, to sleep last May. I had him for about 12 years and so of course, I still miss him. I guess I always will.
5. Luke had health problems. He was sick almost all the time. Taking off work, doctor visits, trying everything to get him better. Found out he had allergies so I guess we can put this into the good list -- he's been much healthier since he's been on the Claritin and inhaled steroids.
6. Since the last posting, my other daughter has got clean, relapsed, and then got clean again. Attempted suicide. She's alive and getting healthy. Again, with moving to the good list stuff. That or I'm just an eternal optimist.
Let's go on the good stuff.
1. I moved into an apartment that I love in Friendswood.
2. I still love my work. Yes, I'm still at the prison. I'm facilitating several group therapy topics. Great to see a few folks actually learn stuff.
3. Luke is developing so well. I had concerns about him and know he's not out of the woods yet. There are still some things he has trouble with but overall, he's a dynamite kid!
4. I'm getting to adopt Luke!
5. I get to have my two "big kid" grandchildren almost every weekend.
6. I haven't had to use my cane in months!
7. I have good work friends.
8. I still have good friends from other areas in my life. This is a big GOOD one.
9. I'm taking the exam for my LPC soon.
10. The sun is shining today. We're going out to play now.
So, if anyone still checks in here or will again, just know that I appreciate all of you. Writing about anything was tough for a while. But I'm getting stronger and healing. Okay, wait a minute. What does healing mean? Not hurting so much? Not hurting so often? Finding happy moments again? Yes, maybe that's it. In that case, I'm on my way. I still miss you, though honey. Always will. Until I see you again. I'll always be your mom. Unless, of course, you want to be the mom next time around. Whatever.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Some days...
I've been really sick for the last 3 or 4 days. The doctor thought I had hepatitis. I was beginning to think so, too. And being sick, with a baby, not easy. Plus worrying about him having hepatitis, too. But today I found out my tests are negative. Probably just all my usual chronic illnesses, coupled with lots of stress. So I figure my body is trying (really hard) to tell me something. Slow down and remember what's important. Taking more care to eat right. To do some yoga - how many years have I been talking about that?
Anyway, I made it through my first day back at work today. And got rewarded by seeing Luke's sweet face waiting for me at daycare. Our little routine of his dinner, play, bath, story, bottle, and bed. What an incredible joy he is in my life.
This evening I'm just so incredibly grateful for so many things. Neither of us has hepatitis. I'm smart enough to figure out what my body is trying to tell me. My comfortable home and pets waiting for me. Just stuff. Just another day in paradise. Gotta go make some baby bottles for tomorrow's day in paradise.
Anyway, I made it through my first day back at work today. And got rewarded by seeing Luke's sweet face waiting for me at daycare. Our little routine of his dinner, play, bath, story, bottle, and bed. What an incredible joy he is in my life.
This evening I'm just so incredibly grateful for so many things. Neither of us has hepatitis. I'm smart enough to figure out what my body is trying to tell me. My comfortable home and pets waiting for me. Just stuff. Just another day in paradise. Gotta go make some baby bottles for tomorrow's day in paradise.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
tribulations
I know I complain a lot about my job at prison. Some things about it are really nice. Like the people I work with. Being able to find your "no-shows" and fuss at them, because they're locked up somewhere in the dadgum prison. I also like the paycheck and of course, the benefits.
Yesterday, I thought I was being smart by getting to work a half hour early. Just to have a head start. Had to work in the morning at the prison next door. Fortunately, I only work there one day a week. Walked in and found they had a homicidal patient waiting for me. Evidently he had been waiting over an hour. The nurses had called the on-call psyc doctor, who had told them to just wait until the psychotherapist came it. I had barely turned the computer on when I had security officers in riot gear bring the offender to my office. Then, get this, they left. That's right. The offender was such a danger they had to use shields and all sorts of protective gear to get him to my office. But apparently once he sat down in the office with little old me, he was no danger at all! I would have put up a fuss about it but I really didn't feel any danger from the guy. He was definitely a strange one though. Said he was feeling bad and he wanted to hurt someone. Then he would feel better. He had no preference on who he hurt. And from a few questions I asked, he had a long history of hurting others in not-so-pretty ways, then feeling much better about it all. Now when you get a truly antisocial personality disorder guy talking to you, you realize that they have absolutely no conscience. They recount these incidents with no more passion than they would read a grocery list. I didn't argue with him. Just transferred him to a crisis mangement unit. Bye-bye.
Saw a few other offenders there who have figured out that I go on Fridays. My boss, a male, covers the other days there. These guys try to time their sick calls to be seen by me. Trust me, I don't feel special. Just female. And a bit yukky about it.
On to my own unit after I finish there. I walk in to find the offenders walking around in their underwear. Please remember, my own unit is a medical one. Mostly old guys or just severely chronically ill guys, a lot of AIDS and Hepatitis C. Seeing these guys in their underwear is NOT a pretty sight. Turns out the unit is on lockdown. Someone saw a handgun and everything gets real serious until they find it. There is a lot more drama about the incident that I am not at liberty to discuss. Not due to patient confidentiality but due to me wanting to stay safe personally. Working in prison may be many things but it is rarely dull. Turns out I transferred another patient to crisis management yesterday. The intake folks at that unit were getting a little curious when I was calling from different units.
I started out to mention something about personal and professional conflicts. So just briefly, I sometimes treat offenders (my most frequent patients) who are convicted of sexual assault of children. Most of them tell me they are falsely convicted. And maybe they are, who knows? The others tell me they offended because they were victimized as children so it's not really their fault. Still others will say the children looked much older. I don't encourage them to discuss their crime. Pedophiles will never change. And talking about it sometimes excites them in ways I don't care to participate in. Here's the thing, when they get to prison, obviously their population of sexual preference, children, is not available. So they get frustrated and depressed. Then they come in for medication and/or counseling. They just want to feel better. As a therapist, my job is to treat the target symptoms. So I help them get access to medication. And they feel better. As an individual though, there is a big part of me that does not want them to feel better. I want them to feel very, very bad.
Even if you can't personally relate, can anyone give me input on how they would handle the conflict? Any suggestions?
Yesterday, I thought I was being smart by getting to work a half hour early. Just to have a head start. Had to work in the morning at the prison next door. Fortunately, I only work there one day a week. Walked in and found they had a homicidal patient waiting for me. Evidently he had been waiting over an hour. The nurses had called the on-call psyc doctor, who had told them to just wait until the psychotherapist came it. I had barely turned the computer on when I had security officers in riot gear bring the offender to my office. Then, get this, they left. That's right. The offender was such a danger they had to use shields and all sorts of protective gear to get him to my office. But apparently once he sat down in the office with little old me, he was no danger at all! I would have put up a fuss about it but I really didn't feel any danger from the guy. He was definitely a strange one though. Said he was feeling bad and he wanted to hurt someone. Then he would feel better. He had no preference on who he hurt. And from a few questions I asked, he had a long history of hurting others in not-so-pretty ways, then feeling much better about it all. Now when you get a truly antisocial personality disorder guy talking to you, you realize that they have absolutely no conscience. They recount these incidents with no more passion than they would read a grocery list. I didn't argue with him. Just transferred him to a crisis mangement unit. Bye-bye.
Saw a few other offenders there who have figured out that I go on Fridays. My boss, a male, covers the other days there. These guys try to time their sick calls to be seen by me. Trust me, I don't feel special. Just female. And a bit yukky about it.
On to my own unit after I finish there. I walk in to find the offenders walking around in their underwear. Please remember, my own unit is a medical one. Mostly old guys or just severely chronically ill guys, a lot of AIDS and Hepatitis C. Seeing these guys in their underwear is NOT a pretty sight. Turns out the unit is on lockdown. Someone saw a handgun and everything gets real serious until they find it. There is a lot more drama about the incident that I am not at liberty to discuss. Not due to patient confidentiality but due to me wanting to stay safe personally. Working in prison may be many things but it is rarely dull. Turns out I transferred another patient to crisis management yesterday. The intake folks at that unit were getting a little curious when I was calling from different units.
I started out to mention something about personal and professional conflicts. So just briefly, I sometimes treat offenders (my most frequent patients) who are convicted of sexual assault of children. Most of them tell me they are falsely convicted. And maybe they are, who knows? The others tell me they offended because they were victimized as children so it's not really their fault. Still others will say the children looked much older. I don't encourage them to discuss their crime. Pedophiles will never change. And talking about it sometimes excites them in ways I don't care to participate in. Here's the thing, when they get to prison, obviously their population of sexual preference, children, is not available. So they get frustrated and depressed. Then they come in for medication and/or counseling. They just want to feel better. As a therapist, my job is to treat the target symptoms. So I help them get access to medication. And they feel better. As an individual though, there is a big part of me that does not want them to feel better. I want them to feel very, very bad.
Even if you can't personally relate, can anyone give me input on how they would handle the conflict? Any suggestions?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Luke has a new tooth!
While I was sitting in the dental surgeon's office yesterday, awaiting the removal of two teeth, I actually got a pleasant surprise! We found Luke's first tooth! I know, I know, this is not my first baby and it sounds a little silly. But...it's amazing all the same. He laughed so hard when I felt it. Like he is incredibly proud of growing a tooth! Well, he should be. He's been working real hard at it, with lots of discomfort and drool, for a while now.
By the way, anyone who knows me and my mouth (I did not say my BIG MOUTH), will not be surprised at this other development. When the surgeon was removing my teeth, he accidentally broke off another tooth and had to remove that, too. So now I'm recovering form the removal of THREE teeth. Ouch!
No, candance, it's not Castle dental this time.
By the way, anyone who knows me and my mouth (I did not say my BIG MOUTH), will not be surprised at this other development. When the surgeon was removing my teeth, he accidentally broke off another tooth and had to remove that, too. So now I'm recovering form the removal of THREE teeth. Ouch!
No, candance, it's not Castle dental this time.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Yes, the weekend!
Another really crummy day at work - struggling not to absorb all the yucky stuff.
But....it's Friday! And I have all weekend to spend with my grandchildren. I'm going to play games and read books and make fun snacks and rediscover my inner child!
Anyone else have great plans for the weekend?
But....it's Friday! And I have all weekend to spend with my grandchildren. I'm going to play games and read books and make fun snacks and rediscover my inner child!
Anyone else have great plans for the weekend?
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Today at work I...
..Resolved several patient psychotropic medication issues
...Provided crisis counseling to an offender who believed the microphone in his housing unit was beeping at him through the night - and suddenly discovered that his requested "faith" unit annoyed the heck out of him because he couldn't stand hearing about Jesus all the time
...Transferred a patient who suddenly decided he needed to cut someone, himself or an officer or just anyone
...Provided crisis counseling to a severely depressed patient who hears voices telling him awful things (they never do say anything nice), including telling him not to trust me
...Handled a patient who suddenly discovered his change in work assignment was going to devastate his daily schedule
...Made rounds in the solitary cells, providing counseling to one patient who is facing life endangerment issues (other offenders are trying to kill him)
...and then saw my regularly scheduled patients, charted on everybody, and then scheduled about a zillion more patients for tomorrow.
Not complaining. Just venting. Big difference.
...Provided crisis counseling to an offender who believed the microphone in his housing unit was beeping at him through the night - and suddenly discovered that his requested "faith" unit annoyed the heck out of him because he couldn't stand hearing about Jesus all the time
...Transferred a patient who suddenly decided he needed to cut someone, himself or an officer or just anyone
...Provided crisis counseling to a severely depressed patient who hears voices telling him awful things (they never do say anything nice), including telling him not to trust me
...Handled a patient who suddenly discovered his change in work assignment was going to devastate his daily schedule
...Made rounds in the solitary cells, providing counseling to one patient who is facing life endangerment issues (other offenders are trying to kill him)
...and then saw my regularly scheduled patients, charted on everybody, and then scheduled about a zillion more patients for tomorrow.
Not complaining. Just venting. Big difference.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Fantastic Women
I've just got to plug my Women's Group here. We met tonight, as we do about every two weeks, for our book discussion. Part of the meeting ends up being about the book and the rest is about our lives and what's important to us. I love that we can talk politics, world events, women's rights, you name it. We disagree with each other about as often as we agree. That's what makes the group so special to me. When everyone thinks entirely alike, how can you learn from one another? The other part that I like is that we are all women with metaphysical beliefs. No real fundamentalists here. Not that there's anything wrong with that (insert Seinfeld moment here). Just that we all have the same overall perspective and share the same basic spiritual beliefs. How great is that???
So tonight we briefly got off on a tangent about the choices we make before we're born and the choices we continue to make that affect every aspect of our lives. Told you we're cool! Then I get home and check my email. There's a message from the Universe. Yep, we correspond. We're tight. Actually, it's a service offered (free) through www.tut.com. So here is my message for today:
I'm alright with the concept of Karma as it's generally understood, Cheryl, kind-of, sort-of.
The idea of spiritual contracts is pretty nifty, too. You've always been a wheeler-dealer.
Except, of course, if either were laws, you wouldn't be unlimited.
Not even a little.
Oh well, they were cute ideas for awhile.
The Universe
So tonight we briefly got off on a tangent about the choices we make before we're born and the choices we continue to make that affect every aspect of our lives. Told you we're cool! Then I get home and check my email. There's a message from the Universe. Yep, we correspond. We're tight. Actually, it's a service offered (free) through www.tut.com. So here is my message for today:
I'm alright with the concept of Karma as it's generally understood, Cheryl, kind-of, sort-of.
The idea of spiritual contracts is pretty nifty, too. You've always been a wheeler-dealer.
Except, of course, if either were laws, you wouldn't be unlimited.
Not even a little.
Oh well, they were cute ideas for awhile.
The Universe
Me again. That Universe! Always so timely! So where do you stand? Spiritual contracts? Karma? Law of attraction?
P.S. Emily has really great stories about being a Colonel on the drill team - and she's only 12!Monday, February 19, 2007
Self Love
I read this last night in this month's issue of Indigo Sun, www.indigosun.com. The article is titled, "A Gift for YOU: Five Steps to the Ultimate Love Affair" by Jody Howard. Here is an excerpt from the intro:
It amazes me how much easier it is to give our love and compassion to someone else rather than to our Self. We are quick to hold and comfort someone hurt and crying. When we experience our own pain, we feel frustrated with our self and with those that caused our pain, instead of comforting our self. We believe we heal our self by justifying our actions or blaming others, when in truth we heal by loving our self.
I tend to do that, you know, the being frustrated with myself part, when I make a mistake. Wonder how many of you out there do the same?
Thing is, I bought a hog about 2 weeks ago at work. Read previous posts for what buying a hog entails in prison speak. I've blamed myself because I knew the patient was selling me something and I just thought it would be easier to go along with it. He was threatening suicide and despite my efforts to calm him down, he insisted he needed to go to the crisis management unit. So I sent him. It was a Friday night. I was late for daycare. As soon as I started the process, he changed his entire attitude. You see, I believe he knew that once started, the process cannot be stopped. I don't care if God herself came down and said, "it's cool, he can stay," that patient HAS to be transported. So he began saying really awful things to the nurses. Making threats. Getting a serious attitude with me. I found out later that if he is transported to a crisis unit, all of his disciplinary cases get dismissed. That includes the ones he had pending before the "suicide" threat and the ones he got right before being transported. When he came back from the 3-day "vacation" he had the nerve to come in my office and thank me for making all of the cases go away. So not only did I allow this manipulator to get off without any consequences, I also feel I let down my co-workers who went to the trouble to write disciplinary cases against him. They don't hold it against me. They know I regret my decision. And they didn't know either, what would happen with the transfer. So I'm the only one who has been kicking myself.
Plus, he's still my patient. A little tough to have that old unconditional positive regard here.
This article spoke to me on so many levels. Why didn't I just comfort myself for that awful Friday evening? Why wasn't I more understanding of myself? Yes, I've got a lot more to learn about Self-love. (For helpful tips, be sure to check out StaceyG's blog - she's got some GREAT stuff!)
For me, I'm beginning to dislike the taste of pork.
It amazes me how much easier it is to give our love and compassion to someone else rather than to our Self. We are quick to hold and comfort someone hurt and crying. When we experience our own pain, we feel frustrated with our self and with those that caused our pain, instead of comforting our self. We believe we heal our self by justifying our actions or blaming others, when in truth we heal by loving our self.
I tend to do that, you know, the being frustrated with myself part, when I make a mistake. Wonder how many of you out there do the same?
Thing is, I bought a hog about 2 weeks ago at work. Read previous posts for what buying a hog entails in prison speak. I've blamed myself because I knew the patient was selling me something and I just thought it would be easier to go along with it. He was threatening suicide and despite my efforts to calm him down, he insisted he needed to go to the crisis management unit. So I sent him. It was a Friday night. I was late for daycare. As soon as I started the process, he changed his entire attitude. You see, I believe he knew that once started, the process cannot be stopped. I don't care if God herself came down and said, "it's cool, he can stay," that patient HAS to be transported. So he began saying really awful things to the nurses. Making threats. Getting a serious attitude with me. I found out later that if he is transported to a crisis unit, all of his disciplinary cases get dismissed. That includes the ones he had pending before the "suicide" threat and the ones he got right before being transported. When he came back from the 3-day "vacation" he had the nerve to come in my office and thank me for making all of the cases go away. So not only did I allow this manipulator to get off without any consequences, I also feel I let down my co-workers who went to the trouble to write disciplinary cases against him. They don't hold it against me. They know I regret my decision. And they didn't know either, what would happen with the transfer. So I'm the only one who has been kicking myself.
Plus, he's still my patient. A little tough to have that old unconditional positive regard here.
This article spoke to me on so many levels. Why didn't I just comfort myself for that awful Friday evening? Why wasn't I more understanding of myself? Yes, I've got a lot more to learn about Self-love. (For helpful tips, be sure to check out StaceyG's blog - she's got some GREAT stuff!)
For me, I'm beginning to dislike the taste of pork.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
In the flow
First, a great big "Thank you!" to all those who have helped me be in the flow these last several weeks:
Christy - who loaned me her husband's car to use for a week! And to her husband, Jim, who graciously said it was fine with him - Jim, you're a gem, but I bet you've heard that before!
Marcia - who drove to prison to pick me up from work, altering her sleep schedule to make sure I didn't end up sleeping at prison :)
Rachel - who got up extra early to drive me TO prison - what a kid!
Candice - who said she'd be there for me - and meant it
Stacey - whose faith in me keeps me afloat and whose faith in the universe inspires me
And to all others out there, from church, from women's group, and everywhere - thank you for continuing to hold me in the light and see me through this.
I did keep going to work even when my car was repossessed. And I did get the car back before it was auctioned. Even more importantly (and boy! are those first 2 things important!), the universe kept me afloat. I continually remind myself that my job, my car, my paycheck, and everything else that may appear paramount - are not my true source. The universe/God is my source. Yes, Bubba's Sis, I use the terms "universe" and "god" interchangeably. I also use "creator." They all mean the same to me - my higher power.
I believe that gratitude is one of the tools that keeps my good flowing. Actually, it's not just ME that believes that - a great many friends also hold that belief. And it's a principle that Unity has been teaching for about a hundred years. Also, The Secret (a DVD totally worth your while to watch) is spreading the news.
I remain incredibly grateful for all the big and little things in my life, all those things I see now and all those that have yet to manifest.
A mini-list:
1. My faith
2. My family (extended)
3. My friends
4. My bed (hey! it's a pillow top...)
5. My education
6. Job/job skills
7. Vacations
8. Pets
9. My very own home
10. A forum for my thoughts
Christy - who loaned me her husband's car to use for a week! And to her husband, Jim, who graciously said it was fine with him - Jim, you're a gem, but I bet you've heard that before!
Marcia - who drove to prison to pick me up from work, altering her sleep schedule to make sure I didn't end up sleeping at prison :)
Rachel - who got up extra early to drive me TO prison - what a kid!
Candice - who said she'd be there for me - and meant it
Stacey - whose faith in me keeps me afloat and whose faith in the universe inspires me
And to all others out there, from church, from women's group, and everywhere - thank you for continuing to hold me in the light and see me through this.
I did keep going to work even when my car was repossessed. And I did get the car back before it was auctioned. Even more importantly (and boy! are those first 2 things important!), the universe kept me afloat. I continually remind myself that my job, my car, my paycheck, and everything else that may appear paramount - are not my true source. The universe/God is my source. Yes, Bubba's Sis, I use the terms "universe" and "god" interchangeably. I also use "creator." They all mean the same to me - my higher power.
I believe that gratitude is one of the tools that keeps my good flowing. Actually, it's not just ME that believes that - a great many friends also hold that belief. And it's a principle that Unity has been teaching for about a hundred years. Also, The Secret (a DVD totally worth your while to watch) is spreading the news.
I remain incredibly grateful for all the big and little things in my life, all those things I see now and all those that have yet to manifest.
A mini-list:
1. My faith
2. My family (extended)
3. My friends
4. My bed (hey! it's a pillow top...)
5. My education
6. Job/job skills
7. Vacations
8. Pets
9. My very own home
10. A forum for my thoughts
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Permission
My car was repossessed last week. I've been having trouble making payments for a while now. Despite my best efforts to work things out with the finance folks, they came in the night and took it. I've been struggling this week to get to and from work and to get Luke to and from daycare. People have helped and I am immensely grateful. I know that if they could help me get the car back, they would. I am blessed to have such good friends. I thought I had things figured out and that I could get an instant loan for the tax refund only to find out this morning that I wasn't approved and that I have to wait another 10 days. And I've been concerned that my car will be auctioned off before I can get the money. Luke's stroller and other things are in my car and I feel bad that I was careless enough to leave them there. This is a bad time for me but there is a bright side.
My email from "the universe" this morning said that I just need to give myself permission. And the universe will take care of everything else.
My life has seemed like this constant struggle. To raise myself and then my children. To care for my grandchildren, especially Luke, who is totally dependent on me. Getting my bachelor's degree and then the graduate degree. Working even though I'm medically disabled. Struggle and more struggle.
Struggling hasn't worked for me and we all know what it means to keep doing the same thing expecting different results. I just need to let go. Let go and give myself permission to expect miracles. I tend to get so caught up with worrying about what form the miracles will take. I know, I know, ridiculous. My worrying will only block miracles.
So here I am folks (and universe) -- letting go. I give myself permission to stop worrying. To stop struggling in the same old ways. And finally, permission to accept the miracles the universe has waiting for me.
My email from "the universe" this morning said that I just need to give myself permission. And the universe will take care of everything else.
My life has seemed like this constant struggle. To raise myself and then my children. To care for my grandchildren, especially Luke, who is totally dependent on me. Getting my bachelor's degree and then the graduate degree. Working even though I'm medically disabled. Struggle and more struggle.
Struggling hasn't worked for me and we all know what it means to keep doing the same thing expecting different results. I just need to let go. Let go and give myself permission to expect miracles. I tend to get so caught up with worrying about what form the miracles will take. I know, I know, ridiculous. My worrying will only block miracles.
So here I am folks (and universe) -- letting go. I give myself permission to stop worrying. To stop struggling in the same old ways. And finally, permission to accept the miracles the universe has waiting for me.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
From Rev Alicia
So...what are your "soul mate" thoughts? Are you looking for your "other half;" your soul mate? Have you found him or her? Do you believe such a thing exists?
I will never forget the day, when I was 15 years old, and my dad and I sat at the kitchen table and had a talk about these things. Now, to set the scene, you have to know that my mom and dad had an incredible marriage. They not only loved each other, they liked each other. They rarely fought, and had lots of fun. I surely would say that they were one-and-only soul mates. As my dad and I talked, I asked him if he believed that there was one perfect mate for each person. My romantic heart was horrified when he replied that he thought that a person could fall in love more than once, with more than one person, but when you make a decision that you will spend your life with one then you commit to that one for the rest of your life. Not the romantic reply that would support my "one and only" theory. Of course the reply I had been looking for was that when he saw my mom, it was all over; that was his one and only and there never was nor would there ever be another woman for him. As it turned out, my mom and dad were married for almost 60 years when he left this realm. And my mom still says that there was no one but my dad for her.
As I have come to grow and mature personally and spiritually I, too, have come to see things differently... differently than I had previously...differently than my dad. The concept of soul mate has changed dramatically for me. I have learned that "falling in love" and loving are two different things entirely. I learned that romance and soul mates are not mutually exclusive, nor are they always what we thought they were. To say that there absolutely either is nor is not such a thing as soul mate would be to limit God.
Like all of our wonderful, diverse universe of body, mind and spirit, the concept of soul mates is a paradox. So, I invite you to consider this possibility. In the Revealing Word, Charles Fillmore co-founder of Unity states: "Man is Spirit, soul, and body. Spirit is the I AM, the individuality (the God part of us). The body is soul expressing, and soul includes the conscious and subconscious minds. Soul makes the body, the body is the outer expression of the soul, and bodily health is in exact correspondence to the health of the soul."
In other words, the soul is the sum total of our present level of awareness. It is the vehicle through which we are growing and perfecting our awareness to it's full potential. This is the part of us that grows and develops as we mature and gain spiritual wisdom and understanding. The more we grow and develop, the more of our true essence; Spirit, we express...the more health we express...the more prosperity and harmony we express...the more love we express and experience.
Considering this...to me a soul mate is more like something we earn by right of consciousness than something we find by chance in the elevator, telling us "you complete me."
According to the law of attraction, we draw by right of consciousness that which we need for our spiritual growth. Could this mean that the unhappy relationship experiences we have had in the past were soul mates of sorts...helping us to develop our soul? And then when we "got it," when we learned the lesson, devloped the spiritual quality or strength, we were able to either release, or elevate that uncomfortable relationship to a higher level. Hmmm...worth pondering. Holding THAT thought, what if we quit too soon...before we "got" the lesson? What would we most likely attract then? This is where the "frying pan into the fire" cliche comes from.
I think that the biggest error belief that some of us tend to hold about soul-mates is that we will meet our soul-mate, fall in love at first sight, and live happily ever after. We think it will be easy and smooth riding for the rest of our lives.
Our relationships, like our souls, are vehicles through which we grow and develop. We learn and grow not by basking in the glow of romance, but by learning to give and receive and share; we learn and grow not by our easy compatibility but by overcoming our differences and challenges; we learn and grow not by the downhill coast, but by the uphill struggles we share and support each other.
And I embrace and even higher concept of soul-mate. I see all people, and all creation as soul-mates. Through our actions and interactions we come together to learn and develop as together we succeed, fail, love, hate, laugh, cry, pray and praise; as together we overcome self-centered narcissism in favor of the truth of our Oneness in Diversity. Then...and only then...will we truly, fully and completely experience our Oneness in God.
I will never forget the day, when I was 15 years old, and my dad and I sat at the kitchen table and had a talk about these things. Now, to set the scene, you have to know that my mom and dad had an incredible marriage. They not only loved each other, they liked each other. They rarely fought, and had lots of fun. I surely would say that they were one-and-only soul mates. As my dad and I talked, I asked him if he believed that there was one perfect mate for each person. My romantic heart was horrified when he replied that he thought that a person could fall in love more than once, with more than one person, but when you make a decision that you will spend your life with one then you commit to that one for the rest of your life. Not the romantic reply that would support my "one and only" theory. Of course the reply I had been looking for was that when he saw my mom, it was all over; that was his one and only and there never was nor would there ever be another woman for him. As it turned out, my mom and dad were married for almost 60 years when he left this realm. And my mom still says that there was no one but my dad for her.
As I have come to grow and mature personally and spiritually I, too, have come to see things differently... differently than I had previously...differently than my dad. The concept of soul mate has changed dramatically for me. I have learned that "falling in love" and loving are two different things entirely. I learned that romance and soul mates are not mutually exclusive, nor are they always what we thought they were. To say that there absolutely either is nor is not such a thing as soul mate would be to limit God.
Like all of our wonderful, diverse universe of body, mind and spirit, the concept of soul mates is a paradox. So, I invite you to consider this possibility. In the Revealing Word, Charles Fillmore co-founder of Unity states: "Man is Spirit, soul, and body. Spirit is the I AM, the individuality (the God part of us). The body is soul expressing, and soul includes the conscious and subconscious minds. Soul makes the body, the body is the outer expression of the soul, and bodily health is in exact correspondence to the health of the soul."
In other words, the soul is the sum total of our present level of awareness. It is the vehicle through which we are growing and perfecting our awareness to it's full potential. This is the part of us that grows and develops as we mature and gain spiritual wisdom and understanding. The more we grow and develop, the more of our true essence; Spirit, we express...the more health we express...the more prosperity and harmony we express...the more love we express and experience.
Considering this...to me a soul mate is more like something we earn by right of consciousness than something we find by chance in the elevator, telling us "you complete me."
According to the law of attraction, we draw by right of consciousness that which we need for our spiritual growth. Could this mean that the unhappy relationship experiences we have had in the past were soul mates of sorts...helping us to develop our soul? And then when we "got it," when we learned the lesson, devloped the spiritual quality or strength, we were able to either release, or elevate that uncomfortable relationship to a higher level. Hmmm...worth pondering. Holding THAT thought, what if we quit too soon...before we "got" the lesson? What would we most likely attract then? This is where the "frying pan into the fire" cliche comes from.
I think that the biggest error belief that some of us tend to hold about soul-mates is that we will meet our soul-mate, fall in love at first sight, and live happily ever after. We think it will be easy and smooth riding for the rest of our lives.
Our relationships, like our souls, are vehicles through which we grow and develop. We learn and grow not by basking in the glow of romance, but by learning to give and receive and share; we learn and grow not by our easy compatibility but by overcoming our differences and challenges; we learn and grow not by the downhill coast, but by the uphill struggles we share and support each other.
And I embrace and even higher concept of soul-mate. I see all people, and all creation as soul-mates. Through our actions and interactions we come together to learn and develop as together we succeed, fail, love, hate, laugh, cry, pray and praise; as together we overcome self-centered narcissism in favor of the truth of our Oneness in Diversity. Then...and only then...will we truly, fully and completely experience our Oneness in God.
On being assertive/a hard ass
Having patients "no-show" for appointments is nothing new for many professions: doctors, nurses, and therapists. In the "world" being a therapist and having someone not show for their appointment can be frustrating and expensive. In prison, it is likewise quite frustrating. Because in this setting, I have to actually hunt them down and talk to them, even if they decide not to show. And they know this. They can request an appointment, knowing full well that their rights as offenders means I have to see them within 48 hours after I get their request. So I go through the TDC computer and have a special pass that gets printed and handed to them the night before, in their dorms, that says they have an appointment for the next day. They use that appointment to get out of going to work or to school or whatever. And sometimes, they then decide to just hang out in their dorm and sleep, watch TV, play dominoes, or whatever. After all, they know I've got to come find them, right? So that's what I've been doing. And whenever I try to bring this up as a therapeutic issue, they tell me they did not get their pass or else they got it and the security officers wouldn't let them. And because I do know these things are POSSIBLE, I have let them go. Other folks do not and write them disciplinary cases for this. So I finally started writing cases myself the other day. And sure enough, I had two patients who came in very angry with me. One reminded me that he was in prison for assault. Yet I held my ground and informed them that we would deal with their anger therapeutically. Likewise for their lack of accountability. It worked out okay and both ended up leaving much less angry than when they came in. Since I wrote an additional five cases yesterday, I'm sure I'll have lots more angry men on Monday. And eventually, I'll have a lot less no-shows. One of the nurses said I officially became a member of the hard ass club, congratulating me. And you know what? I'm okay with that. And with the respect that it garners.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Living alone (just the two of us)
The empty nest is underrated...Nora Ephron
That quote stays at the bottom of this blog but I don't think it's very noticeable. I always know it's there. And I fervently believe it. Not that this applies to Baby Luke, but it does to everyone else in my nest. Those who live in it and those who visit a bit too frequently. I'm dreaming of the day when Luke and I can move out and get our very own place. May 2007 is the plan.
We'll do very well in our own quiet home. I've always enjoyed living alone -- during the times when my little (or not so little) birds have flown away. Luke and I both do best with limited stimulation. I know, I know, I used to be somewhat of a social butterfly but that side of me comes out for very limited engagements now. And I've always liked a place to charge my batteries. Don't you all? One of my favorite readers just got her very own home and I know how much she adores it. Somehow I think she feels more alone in her house than she did living alone in an apartment. I can understand that. Of course, I also know she'll quickly fill the house with her beautiful art work and then with memories of good times with family and friends. But I do envy her. Not just for the very cute home, but for the place to herself. Luke and I would/will have a ball in our very own HOUSE! And that is something that I am intending for us. Would those of you who read this posting hold that thought for us? And while you're at it, hold the thought that I'll be able to keep Luke and raise him as my own. He already is, you know, in my heart.
That quote stays at the bottom of this blog but I don't think it's very noticeable. I always know it's there. And I fervently believe it. Not that this applies to Baby Luke, but it does to everyone else in my nest. Those who live in it and those who visit a bit too frequently. I'm dreaming of the day when Luke and I can move out and get our very own place. May 2007 is the plan.
We'll do very well in our own quiet home. I've always enjoyed living alone -- during the times when my little (or not so little) birds have flown away. Luke and I both do best with limited stimulation. I know, I know, I used to be somewhat of a social butterfly but that side of me comes out for very limited engagements now. And I've always liked a place to charge my batteries. Don't you all? One of my favorite readers just got her very own home and I know how much she adores it. Somehow I think she feels more alone in her house than she did living alone in an apartment. I can understand that. Of course, I also know she'll quickly fill the house with her beautiful art work and then with memories of good times with family and friends. But I do envy her. Not just for the very cute home, but for the place to herself. Luke and I would/will have a ball in our very own HOUSE! And that is something that I am intending for us. Would those of you who read this posting hold that thought for us? And while you're at it, hold the thought that I'll be able to keep Luke and raise him as my own. He already is, you know, in my heart.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Everything is relative
Yesterday, an inmate threatened to kill me. He was in my office, lunging over my desk, with spittle flying from his mouth as he described how he planned to do away with me. His plans were not very practical, if I must say, because he planned to "lethal injection" me. And as he was handcuffed at the time, with no syringe in sight, I felt rather safe from that threat. All the same, I still did not feel comfortable until I finally convinced the security officer to remove him from my office. Even then, he still loitered, shouting at me and about me, at my doorway. I promptly stood up, closed, and locked my door until he could be taken far, far away. Now the guy was genuinely psychotic and so I did not file charges against him. And I genuinely felt that I was in more danger from whatever his spittle might have contained. Spittle...handcuffs...lethal injection...everything is relative.
Today, I was called to an emergency in lock-up where an inmate was threatening to harm others because he had been denied his commissary. After hearing his story, I began to understand his concern. When you have been locked up in solitary confinement for 6 months, having a little store-bought food can be very important. Everything is relative.
Another emergency today, an offender was threatening to harm others because he was angry about being housed in a dorm he did not like. Two weeks ago, I shipped him to a crisis unit for similar threats. They sent him back, with notes that he was doing just fine. Today, I informed security they could take disciplinary action against him. He was just fine and I was an hour late leaving work. Everything is relative.
I get home, tired, hungry (no time for lunch again today), and in need of a bit of understanding. I have an argument with a family member who is not in the least understanding. Again with the relative.
I'm going back tomorrow and plunging in again. Surely I do more good than harm there. And being there will keep me from being here with the family. Everything is indeed relative.
Today, I was called to an emergency in lock-up where an inmate was threatening to harm others because he had been denied his commissary. After hearing his story, I began to understand his concern. When you have been locked up in solitary confinement for 6 months, having a little store-bought food can be very important. Everything is relative.
Another emergency today, an offender was threatening to harm others because he was angry about being housed in a dorm he did not like. Two weeks ago, I shipped him to a crisis unit for similar threats. They sent him back, with notes that he was doing just fine. Today, I informed security they could take disciplinary action against him. He was just fine and I was an hour late leaving work. Everything is relative.
I get home, tired, hungry (no time for lunch again today), and in need of a bit of understanding. I have an argument with a family member who is not in the least understanding. Again with the relative.
I'm going back tomorrow and plunging in again. Surely I do more good than harm there. And being there will keep me from being here with the family. Everything is indeed relative.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
More of life in prison
I feel at time that working in prison and coming home to live in the world is a bit like straddling two very different lifestyles. The lingo, for instance. To "buy the hog" or to "sell the hog" refer to playing a con game. The "hog" is a scam, B.S., or being played. This happens constantly. The offenders have nothing but time on their hands to find ways to con the employees. And they are very good at this. Remember, most of them have the diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. They have no qualms about hurting someone for personal gain. Sometimes the gain is leverage against an employee. If they can get close to that employee, by learning some personal information about them, they can eventually get that person to break a rule. Once the rule is broken, the offender will then use that to blackmail the employee to break more rules. Eventually the broken rules will include bringing contraband into prison or having sex or doing something else that will benefit the offender. Buying the hog is when the employee gets played. Sometimes the hog is very small. The offender may ask the employee for a paperclip. Contraband. Who would think? That's the thing, employees have to be constantly diligent. I believe this is more difficult for health care workers. We're trained to help people. Even inmates, right? That's our job. And the inmates love that. We're such easy prey. But I've noticed the guards are also easily played. The offenders will call the guards "boss" and the guards begin to depend on the subserviance for their own sense of self-worth. They compliment the guards. They notice when they have on new uniforms or new hairstyles (the women). And if they learn information about the families, they'll ask about them often. I've noticed myself beginning to buy the hog a few times. In my case, it's when I'm beginning to buy into a patient's report of ficticious symptoms. Or when they tell me they're meds aren't working (I later find they're not being compliant with meds). Sometimes they'll tell me they've never been able to trust any other therapist (man, they're good). Many times they'll start crying in the office and then apologize for it over and over. Friday, an offender stopped me when I was walking past the dorm cells. He told me how he had to talk to me right away. He just heard his young daughter was pregnant, considering abortion, and he felt stuck in prison and unable to help her. He just HAD to talk to me immediately, without going through "all that paperwork." He could tell I am a really good person. (I assured him he had no idea what kind of person I was). But these are just a few examples. Then I'll get this sinking feeling in my gut. And I get angry, both with myself for buying into it and with the offender who is working so hard to sell it. Then when I leave work, I find myself continuing to be diligent about people selling the hog to me. I guess for me, that's not such a bad thing. I have had tendencies to be naive. This is an important learning experience for me. I just have to find a way to balance without becoming jaded.
And I know that very bad things happen in prison. So much of it is hidden, of course, from the eyes of employees. But in counseling, you learn how dangerous it can be for offenders. And so many of them proclaim their innocence to me. Especially the ones convicted of sexual assault or sexual assault of a child. And there is a part of me that wants to believe them, if for no other reason than that it would make it easier to provide that unconditional regard. Someone said Friday that our population there is 65% child offenders. How do I maintain an attitude of wanting to help them with their depression or anger or anxiety or whatever when there is a big part of me that things child offenders should suffer in prison? Things I'm working on. That and trying not to buy any hogs.
And I know that very bad things happen in prison. So much of it is hidden, of course, from the eyes of employees. But in counseling, you learn how dangerous it can be for offenders. And so many of them proclaim their innocence to me. Especially the ones convicted of sexual assault or sexual assault of a child. And there is a part of me that wants to believe them, if for no other reason than that it would make it easier to provide that unconditional regard. Someone said Friday that our population there is 65% child offenders. How do I maintain an attitude of wanting to help them with their depression or anger or anxiety or whatever when there is a big part of me that things child offenders should suffer in prison? Things I'm working on. That and trying not to buy any hogs.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Note to previous post
I've got to correct myself: Big Unity did not actually tell us to leave the church that year and go into the cold winter snow. What the usher said was, "would we please take the child into the cry room?" Not cold, no snow. The Big Unity is full of very nice people. And my friends from Little Unity told me they were actually entertained by the granddaughter's dancing this year. REAL nice people.
And I'm SO excited about the new year. Glad I stopped making all of those troublesome resolutions and just decided to be good to myself. Is anyone else out there as excited as I am?
And I'm SO excited about the new year. Glad I stopped making all of those troublesome resolutions and just decided to be good to myself. Is anyone else out there as excited as I am?
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