Friday, March 14, 2008


What Your Shamrock Says About You

You are brilliant, analytical, and somewhat of a perfectionist. You are ultra competent and knowledgeable.

At times, people find you intimidating. You can be a bit sarcastic and harsh.

You don't really consider yourself a lucky person. In your view, people create their own luck.

You are creative, innovative, and complicated. You definitely have a unique spin on the world.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


So I have this Borderline patient (therapists: scream with me!). Interestingly, he was at the previous prison where I worked and then got transferred to this one. I was sooooo glad. Then of course I get transferred, too. One week he thinks I'm the best therapist that ever lived and he hangs on every word I speak, reaching for insights. A few days later, he thinks I'm "slandering" him and "holding my condition against me" and "misdiagnosing me." Today he told me he wants another therapist. So I told him sorry, I'm all he's got. Until he leaves prison and then he's welcome to choose any ole therapist he'd like. He says, "so I guess I'm stuck with you, huh?" I so want to say how if this were the free world, I'd have fired him as my patient a long time ago. I mean, referred. So we're stuck with each other. But he says he's leaving prison this summer. Sorry free world therapists. Hurrah for me!

Monday, March 10, 2008


So many thoughts on my mind about Spring, Easter, and all that entails. I'm not so keen on the Christian ideas on Easter and the "Resurrection" and all. I mean, who could even enjoy the chocolate and the dying of eggs when you have to think about Jesus dying for it to happen? So don't know about that whole dying on the cross thing - I like to think he survived it, married Mary Magdalene, and lived in France. Sounds much better, don't you think? But I do like to think that Easter symbolizes new beginnings - and even a resurrection (read transformation) of the spirit. Yes, I do like the spiritual component of Easter. But I also get excited about the new beginnings in Nature - plants and animals. Little baby bunnies symbolize this nicely, don't they? Does anyone remember when they used to dye the actual live bunny? Not so nice for the bunny, it turns out. Many of them died from the dye. No pun intended. But nice pastels colors and all.

Holidays are hard for me. God knows I miss Rachel even more on holidays. I think that's true for everyone who has lost someone special. And when I dye Easter eggs with the kids, I know Rachel will pull up a seat and help out. She's real picky about the intensity of the colors! I'm looking forward to doing the fun stuff even so. Shopping for Baby Luke an Easter outfit...choosing (and eating) Easter basket candy, the aforementioned eggs and the hunting thereof, and everything that goes with it. One of the kids asked me about meeting the Easter Bunny (capitalized because he meant THE one). So I guess a trip to the mall is in order to stand in line.

I found myself talking to Luke tonight about all the fun stuff we're going to do together when the weather gets warmer. Like go to parks, swim, see the beach (his first time!). All the firsts that he has coming up. My new son. New beginnings. Life goes on. And on the days we choose to look for them - and the days that we CAN look - we'll see all sorts of new life and new beginnings.

Saturday, March 01, 2008


Since I last wrote about baby Luke, he has been hospitalized as inpatient last weekend, has undergone ultrasounds, more x-rays, and a barium enema. Been outpatient once again and seen his pediatrician once more, too. Still no explanation for his tummy pain. He is on a 100% dairy-free diet and using stool softeners twice a day. But here's the miracle of miracles: no more stomachaches in 1 week now! I guess we'll keep the appt with the pediatric gastroenterologist as a just in case and maybe he/she can shed some light on things. But I'm just so relieved the poor baby has not been in pain this week.

An update on prison - well, last month I got urine thrown in my face by an offender. I'll tell the long story later but here's the update on that: now prison security is requiring that I and other medical/mental health staff wear flak jackets when we go on medium or high security cell blocks. I could see if they were requiring face shields but the jackets? So in case you guys don't know what those are, it's a heavy jacket that looks sort of like a life vest. It's not bullet proof but is supposed to keep a shank from going in. Except that the underarms and neck areas are exposed So I guess it keeps a shank from going in to my chest area or between my ribs. I don't feel any safer, just more cumbersome. Ah well, as the signs there say, "security is never convenient."

I've got quite a few things done on my to-do list but somehow it never seems to get any shorter. More things keep getting added and it wouldn't be so bad if there weren't time constraints on them. I'm doing the best I can, though, and have to refrain from panicking. Sometimes I look at couples and think how nice it would be to have two people to do the things that are required to run a home and family. I know that's not the reason to be a couple and I also know what obligations come with a relationship. Still, I wonder if I'll ever be part of a couple again. And I wonder if I'll ever be willing to pay the price. Until then, it's me and Luke. And a grandchild here or there.

Today, my 5-year-old grandson had his birthday party. It was one of those elaborate pizza/game/indoor go-cart deals. I kept thinking that his mom would be so proud of him. I know she is still but there's always this huge gaping hole in any room when we're together as a family. Her vibrant, fun little self always added so much to any occasion. There are so many "firsts" to get through when grieving. The first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, children's birthdays, Valentine's Day...and then more to come. Rachel and I always had such fun with planning, decorating and baking for holidays. I am doing the best I can to keep the traditions going myself. I wonder if the second time around things will get any easier. She's been gone 6 months today.