Self Love

I read this last night in this month's issue of Indigo Sun, www.indigosun.com. The article is titled, "A Gift for YOU: Five Steps to the Ultimate Love Affair" by Jody Howard. Here is an excerpt from the intro:

It amazes me how much easier it is to give our love and compassion to someone else rather than to our Self. We are quick to hold and comfort someone hurt and crying. When we experience our own pain, we feel frustrated with our self and with those that caused our pain, instead of comforting our self. We believe we heal our self by justifying our actions or blaming others, when in truth we heal by loving our self.

I tend to do that, you know, the being frustrated with myself part, when I make a mistake. Wonder how many of you out there do the same?

Thing is, I bought a hog about 2 weeks ago at work. Read previous posts for what buying a hog entails in prison speak. I've blamed myself because I knew the patient was selling me something and I just thought it would be easier to go along with it. He was threatening suicide and despite my efforts to calm him down, he insisted he needed to go to the crisis management unit. So I sent him. It was a Friday night. I was late for daycare. As soon as I started the process, he changed his entire attitude. You see, I believe he knew that once started, the process cannot be stopped. I don't care if God herself came down and said, "it's cool, he can stay," that patient HAS to be transported. So he began saying really awful things to the nurses. Making threats. Getting a serious attitude with me. I found out later that if he is transported to a crisis unit, all of his disciplinary cases get dismissed. That includes the ones he had pending before the "suicide" threat and the ones he got right before being transported. When he came back from the 3-day "vacation" he had the nerve to come in my office and thank me for making all of the cases go away. So not only did I allow this manipulator to get off without any consequences, I also feel I let down my co-workers who went to the trouble to write disciplinary cases against him. They don't hold it against me. They know I regret my decision. And they didn't know either, what would happen with the transfer. So I'm the only one who has been kicking myself.

Plus, he's still my patient. A little tough to have that old unconditional positive regard here.

This article spoke to me on so many levels. Why didn't I just comfort myself for that awful Friday evening? Why wasn't I more understanding of myself? Yes, I've got a lot more to learn about Self-love. (For helpful tips, be sure to check out StaceyG's blog - she's got some GREAT stuff!)

For me, I'm beginning to dislike the taste of pork.