More of life in prison

I feel at time that working in prison and coming home to live in the world is a bit like straddling two very different lifestyles. The lingo, for instance. To "buy the hog" or to "sell the hog" refer to playing a con game. The "hog" is a scam, B.S., or being played. This happens constantly. The offenders have nothing but time on their hands to find ways to con the employees. And they are very good at this. Remember, most of them have the diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. They have no qualms about hurting someone for personal gain. Sometimes the gain is leverage against an employee. If they can get close to that employee, by learning some personal information about them, they can eventually get that person to break a rule. Once the rule is broken, the offender will then use that to blackmail the employee to break more rules. Eventually the broken rules will include bringing contraband into prison or having sex or doing something else that will benefit the offender. Buying the hog is when the employee gets played. Sometimes the hog is very small. The offender may ask the employee for a paperclip. Contraband. Who would think? That's the thing, employees have to be constantly diligent. I believe this is more difficult for health care workers. We're trained to help people. Even inmates, right? That's our job. And the inmates love that. We're such easy prey. But I've noticed the guards are also easily played. The offenders will call the guards "boss" and the guards begin to depend on the subserviance for their own sense of self-worth. They compliment the guards. They notice when they have on new uniforms or new hairstyles (the women). And if they learn information about the families, they'll ask about them often. I've noticed myself beginning to buy the hog a few times. In my case, it's when I'm beginning to buy into a patient's report of ficticious symptoms. Or when they tell me they're meds aren't working (I later find they're not being compliant with meds). Sometimes they'll tell me they've never been able to trust any other therapist (man, they're good). Many times they'll start crying in the office and then apologize for it over and over. Friday, an offender stopped me when I was walking past the dorm cells. He told me how he had to talk to me right away. He just heard his young daughter was pregnant, considering abortion, and he felt stuck in prison and unable to help her. He just HAD to talk to me immediately, without going through "all that paperwork." He could tell I am a really good person. (I assured him he had no idea what kind of person I was). But these are just a few examples. Then I'll get this sinking feeling in my gut. And I get angry, both with myself for buying into it and with the offender who is working so hard to sell it. Then when I leave work, I find myself continuing to be diligent about people selling the hog to me. I guess for me, that's not such a bad thing. I have had tendencies to be naive. This is an important learning experience for me. I just have to find a way to balance without becoming jaded.

And I know that very bad things happen in prison. So much of it is hidden, of course, from the eyes of employees. But in counseling, you learn how dangerous it can be for offenders. And so many of them proclaim their innocence to me. Especially the ones convicted of sexual assault or sexual assault of a child. And there is a part of me that wants to believe them, if for no other reason than that it would make it easier to provide that unconditional regard. Someone said Friday that our population there is 65% child offenders. How do I maintain an attitude of wanting to help them with their depression or anger or anxiety or whatever when there is a big part of me that things child offenders should suffer in prison? Things I'm working on. That and trying not to buy any hogs.