Saturday, August 30, 2008

Anniversaries

I've argued with myself about this post. Sept 1 is the 1st anniversary of Rachel's death. I would say it is a difficult time but since every day without her seems so challenging, it doesn't quite seem appropriate.

It does bring to mind some things, though. There are things I told myself I would do or be able to do after more time had missed since her death. Things like getting out her craft supplies to make things with the kids. Things like writing in the book that I bought especially for writing to her. And baking? She and I used to bake all the time. Even when we didn't live together, I loved surprising her with a new treat when she visited. Now I may buy items for baking but they tend to go bad because I never use them. I planned to have gone through some more of her things and "weeded out" things I could part with. Guess what? I think I've parted with everything I'm willing to.

Last night, I was trying to remember what the world felt like when Rachel was still here. How I felt. I know I was a more optimistic person. The glass is half full, everything happens for a reason, things will always work out, you get the picture. All of that ended for me one year ago. Things don't always work out. Sometimes, life just up and f*%ks you for no good reason. I got that from Rachel's my space page. Hurts me to think she ever felt the way I feel now. I remember how I used to look forward to our phone conversations every evening. We'd share things about our day and no matter how awful they had been, we always found a way to laugh about it. Hearing her voice always grounded me. For weeks after her death, I still picked up my cell phone on the way home from work and started to call her. Even when I realized she wouldn't be there anymore, I pretended to talk to her until I cried uncontrollably. The drive home from work has always been the best cry time for me. I can't openly grieve around Luke because it upsets him too much. And the hour it takes to drive home gives me time to finish up the crying and get my face looking okay. The worst part? Sometimes I can't even cry because I just feel so empty.

I don't usually share this with anyone because like Luke, it seems to upset people too much. People mean to be there for you when you're grieving, but after the funeral they go on with their lives and I think they don't want to be reminded. I truly can't blame anyone. I've done the same thing to others. I would tell myself that asking them about their loved one/grief might bring up too much. Might disturb them. And surely, some other friend of theirs is there for them, right? And I'm not writing this for someone to feel guilty. Just venting. Just being honest with myself and I guess the blog.

I miss Rachel. Her son just tested out of kindergarten and is now in first grade. He lost his first tooth and the tooth fairy came and it wasn't Rachel. An entire year has passed and she hasn't been in the world with us. If this is a nightmare, I wish I would wake up already.

4 comments:

StaceyG said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Cheryl. I can't imagine how painful the loss of a child is...I'd probably grieve for the rest of my life. (hugs)

cjh said...

I don't have words. I think about her a lot. And you. I should pick up the phone more often. Hopefully we'll see each other on Saturday. And I'm so glad Nick is doing well. First grade makes me feel like I need a walker...

Cheryl said...

Thank you both. staceyg - I know you can almost imagine, being a mother yourself. cjh - I know you loved her, too.

Anonymous said...

i don't know what to say. i want to say something, but i don't know what. can i just cry?

it upsets me, your raw grief is very powerful. and i'm ok with that. i think people feel likewise. they don't want to bring her up for fear that they'll upset you more.

i'm ok with you talking about Rachel. we can talk about her, and we can cry for having lost her.

cph