on my mind...

I'm oriented already!

2011-04-01T15:49:00.002-06:00

Have completed week 1 of my 3 week orientation for the new job. And then I get to have MORE orientation when I get to my unit. I think I will really like this job. Will be working with kids and that's a nice change from working with (criminal) adults. I can't complain too much about the orientation because I'm lucky enough to be in a group of really nice and fun people. That makes long days much easier to handle. The kids are liking their new daycare and that makes it easier on all of us. Getting back into a new routine after months of being unemployed takes a bit of getting used to - for all of us.

On another note, my old cat (Drake) is seriously ill and needs to be euthanized. I found out a few weeks ago that he has end-stage liver disease and there is nothing that can be done for him. He is almost 13 years old and I know he has lived a full life but it is still very hard to let him go. I've been postponing taking him back in because I keep rationalizing that maybe he's not so bad. But I know that he is having even more trouble eating and keeping food down. I can look in his eyes and know he's feeling bad. So tomorrow (while the kids are somewhere else) I'm going to take him in for euthanization. It will be hard to say good-bye to such an old friend. He was my daughter's cat. Since she's passed away, he's been one of the few last connections with her. I think that's another reason it's so hard for me. When he's gone, I will still have my daughter's dog and my other (much younger ) cat. A more manageable pet population. I know my daughter will welcome Drake into heaven. He'll be with her tomorrow. Still...

New Job, Old Employer

2011-03-11T11:37:00.002-06:00

Gosh, it's been a while since I've blogged. Been busy with work, raising my son and grandson, and just not very introspective lately, I guess.

I'm going back to work for an old employer soon. It's a new job title, new location, and definitely new salary. I worked for them right out of grad school and was willing to work for peanuts then. Thank goodness we both have higher standards now. I guess it helps that I'm now licensed. I'm eager to begin work and glad to finally be out of jails and prisons (working there, that is).

My son is 4-1/2 now and growing into this wonderful little boy. I realize how fortunate I am to know him and have him in my life. So many friends told me that I was too old and had too many problems to be adopting him way back when. Some also told me that he would have too many problems as a result of what he went through prenatally and that it was too much for a single woman to do alone. I'll admit that it has been a challenge raising him to date. But also an incredible joy and I wouldn't trade a minute of it. I think we're a blessing to one another.

Raising the grandson for the last few years while guiding my son through his early problems has also been quite a challenge. He lost his mother a few years ago and he's never been quite the same. (Of course, I lost her, too, my daughter, and I know my life will never be the same.) But he is also a remarkable boy and I have hopes that he, too, will overcome his early trauma to live a full happy life.

In the mix as well is my granddaughter who is 10 now. Hard to believe she will soon be a teenager. She's as bright as she is pretty and I see her growing into this lovely young lady.

I've been so busy with the children and work and doing all of this single-handedly that I've unfortunately lost touch with some of my old friends. I have to remember that not all friends are supposed to be life-long friends. But it is still sad. On the plus side, I have do have a few close friends who have stayed by me through thick and thin. They've understood when I haven't had time to hang out with them as much as I would have liked. They know the power of phone and email to maintain close friendships. Thank you God for them.

Here's to a new chapter in my life and blog.

Great...

2009-04-02T18:44:00.003-06:00

day in the morning! Get to work today and one of my first patients is one of those child molesters I counseled last week. Yep, that's my job. I was working with him on forgiving himself. That.was.hard. (borrowing cjh's style)

I have to provide unconditional positive regard. Remember Rogers? I can't pick and choose which inmates I want to help. So that includes a lot of people that I would never, ever, ever, want to help if it were not my job.

Does helping a child rapist forgive himself lead to him raping more or less when he is finally released?

What about the killer who killed his wife and father-in-law in a sudden fight. Ugly death. He regrets killing the guy because he would like to be able to talk to him. No remorse at all over the wife. Okey-dokey.

A colleague and I had a brief discussion about this question today: Can empathy be taught to adults?

Why

2009-03-27T23:02:00.003-06:00

I was talking to my 6-yr-old the other day, telling him a story about lunch at work. I don't usually relate too many prison stories to the kids so I had to explain a bit more about where I work. He asked questions about prison. "Oh, so that's where they keep the bad people." Yeah, basically. Or the bad people who happen to get caught. Or those of us who do bad things and are labeled bad and/or get caught. But I digress here (I didn't with him).

And he asked me why? Why do you work there? I said it is because even people who do bad things, need people like me to help them feel better. And then he asked, "well, if they're bad, why do you want to help them feel better? Mean people are just mean."

I know, I know. If I hadn't already been questioning some aspects of my job, his questions wouldn't have meant anything to me then or now.

Do people who do bad things, have always done bad things, and will probably always do bad things, deserve to feel good about themselves?

And since the Axis II folks are quite likely to continue the same life despite any therapeutic confrontation, are we wasting our time?

These are questions I ask not because I am not liking my job or have any plans to change. Just things I think about and have to pass through. Sometimes, just to prove that I can.

public speaking

2009-03-27T22:37:00.002-06:00

A few months ago, I volunteered to do be a presenter at the continuing education for the district monthly meeting. This wasn't my first time and everything went very well my first, so I should have expected things to go well today. Except that I wasn't very interested in the material. And hadn't prepared any notes or handouts. It's ethics. Gotta have it. Don't have to love it. You know?

But then why should I be surprised when I get so many people tell me what a great job I did? The district manager said I'm such a natural! The attendees clap for me. For what? Anyway, I got to thinking about it on the way home. And remembered the old adage that most people list their greatest fear as that of public speaking (second to death, remember?). And I realized, in a duh! moment, that to most people, anyone who has guts enough to get up and speak in front of a crowd, is GREAT! And the fact that I appear so comfortable doing so must make me somewhat famous for it. Big fish in small ponds.

I thought more about this. I could tell everyone that the reason I LOOK so comfortable is that I AM! Gosh, how many years of public speaking do I have under my belt??? Then I thought, if I don't say anything, I may be getting more brownie points. Discretion is the better part of valor.

hey there!

2009-03-24T20:55:00.002-06:00

Alright, it's been more than 6 months since I last posted. But in that time, I've had numerous appointments and court dates related to my little boy. He has more therapists than I can keep track of - speech, occupational therapy, counseling therapist, nutritional therapist - you get the idea. Plus I've moved about an hour away from where I was before. Love the area. Feels like I'm living in Mayberry but with all the conveniences of the 21st century! Nice people. I was working alone at my prison for about 6 months since my last case manager transferred (I forgive you, LC!) but finally got a new person who started 2 weeks ago. I'm happy as a clam. Why are clams happy? Does anyone know?

The 6-yr-old grandson has been living with me since January and will until school is out. Lemme tell ya, it's scary when you realize you're outnumbered!

I hope to start posting again at least semi-regularly. So many good stories I don't get to share here!

For instance, the other day, I had two murderers and a serial rapist in my office. All within 1 hour. One of the murderers was describing how he really doesn't like it when cellies look at him in the wrong way. He thinks they may be getting the idea to rape him. Just to be on the safe side, he strangles them to death. Two down so far. And they keep denying his request for a single cell. Takes everything I have not to find that cellie and tell him to do anything to get a transfer!

One of my delusional patients (I've had so many lately) is convinced that big brother is watching him through hidden cameras and controlling him through electrodes and satellites that go through his eyes and into his brain. When asked if he hears voices, he says, "no but of course I hear the ones that are PUT into my brain by all of you." He finally agreed to take meds but only because he thinks that will make big brother happy enough to leave him alone for a while. Not responsive yet but I'm still hoping.

Another delusional patient (I had to ship to inpatient) is convinced that everyone - security, me, medical staff - is trying to keep him from making his court date in April. He's suing all of us and he's convinced he'll get to go to court next month and have all of us pay for mistreating him. He has a typewriter in his cell and writes grievances and legal pleas every day all day. When he stopped eating because he thought we were poisoning him, I had to ship him. Now, of course, he thinks I shipped him so he couldn't make that court date.

What fun! Seriously though. My colleagues and I talk about this stuff and wonder how we could ever go back to work in the private sector. How boring would that be? You're here because your marriage isn't doing so well? Have you killed anyone? Raped? Hear voices? Believe the TV talks to you? If not, get outta here!

I'm very grateful to have my job. Particularly when we lost so many of our colleagues in Galveston to lay offs. I like what I do. I work with great people (not counting the inmates). I'm never bored. And I'm working toward my LPC. I'm blessed.

2008-09-01T08:46:00.001-06:00

Okay, Sept 1 was a tough day. Good thing I was off of work anyway. Thanks to you friends who wrote kind comments to my previous posting. And a special thank you to the friend who doesn't read blogs but nonetheless had circled that date on her calendar, knowing I would need a phone call about midafternoon. She lost a husband a few years ago and remembers the early years of grieving only too well. She's also the person who has explained so many inexplicable physical and emotional pains to me over the last year.

I am blessed to know all of you.

Anniversaries

2008-08-30T09:01:00.002-06:00

I've argued with myself about this post. Sept 1 is the 1st anniversary of Rachel's death. I would say it is a difficult time but since every day without her seems so challenging, it doesn't quite seem appropriate.

It does bring to mind some things, though. There are things I told myself I would do or be able to do after more time had missed since her death. Things like getting out her craft supplies to make things with the kids. Things like writing in the book that I bought especially for writing to her. And baking? She and I used to bake all the time. Even when we didn't live together, I loved surprising her with a new treat when she visited. Now I may buy items for baking but they tend to go bad because I never use them. I planned to have gone through some more of her things and "weeded out" things I could part with. Guess what? I think I've parted with everything I'm willing to.

Last night, I was trying to remember what the world felt like when Rachel was still here. How I felt. I know I was a more optimistic person. The glass is half full, everything happens for a reason, things will always work out, you get the picture. All of that ended for me one year ago. Things don't always work out. Sometimes, life just up and f*%ks you for no good reason. I got that from Rachel's my space page. Hurts me to think she ever felt the way I feel now. I remember how I used to look forward to our phone conversations every evening. We'd share things about our day and no matter how awful they had been, we always found a way to laugh about it. Hearing her voice always grounded me. For weeks after her death, I still picked up my cell phone on the way home from work and started to call her. Even when I realized she wouldn't be there anymore, I pretended to talk to her until I cried uncontrollably. The drive home from work has always been the best cry time for me. I can't openly grieve around Luke because it upsets him too much. And the hour it takes to drive home gives me time to finish up the crying and get my face looking okay. The worst part? Sometimes I can't even cry because I just feel so empty.

I don't usually share this with anyone because like Luke, it seems to upset people too much. People mean to be there for you when you're grieving, but after the funeral they go on with their lives and I think they don't want to be reminded. I truly can't blame anyone. I've done the same thing to others. I would tell myself that asking them about their loved one/grief might bring up too much. Might disturb them. And surely, some other friend of theirs is there for them, right? And I'm not writing this for someone to feel guilty. Just venting. Just being honest with myself and I guess the blog.

I miss Rachel. Her son just tested out of kindergarten and is now in first grade. He lost his first tooth and the tooth fairy came and it wasn't Rachel. An entire year has passed and she hasn't been in the world with us. If this is a nightmare, I wish I would wake up already.

Affirmations

2008-08-09T09:10:00.002-06:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a strong believer in the power of affirmations. Writing down a positive statement, saying it, thinking it, over and over can really make a difference. I've used them successfully over the years to change my life.

I teach this process in prison therapy groups. I've gotta tell you, this can be a challenge. A bunch of 6 or 8 big men in a small room (no air conditioning), who have had terrible things done to them and who have done terrible things themselves, and I'm telling them their thoughts can change their lives. I have to lead into it gradually. But if I can hook one or two of the strongest personalities, I can eventually grab most of the group. Once they get into it, they're really amazing. I teach that affirmations must have the three P's - they have to be personal, positive, and present. And the group members catch on and then help the others. I really love it when we're having the last group session (there are 13 in all), and I ask them what they got out of the group. They tend to surprise me. Most are open about how the affirmations and positive thoughts have already changed their view of the world (they have a paradigm shift!). I've even started showing the Louise Hay film with people like Cheryl Richardson and Wayne Dyer telling their stories. At first, I felt they would just boo the film but they really got into it, not wanting to leave after group but wanting to stay and talk about it.

These are some of the reasons I love my job. I believe that I introduce concepts that can lead some of these people to change their lives. Even if they're serving a life sentence, they can at least have a better quality of life in prison. And watching this transformation is amazing.

I do have to add, though, that when I finished up a group yesterday, I got an unpleasant surprise. One of the group members who was always so supportive, gentle, and almost the "teacher's pet" throughout the sessions, turned into someone I didn't recognize. He began talking about how much he enjoyed stabbing people "back in the day." One of the other group members said, "hey man, your eyes are glazing over when you're talking. It's freakin' us all out!"

Surprises. Gotta love 'em!

Doubts

2008-08-02T07:26:00.003-06:00

I compose so many posts in my head that I get surprised when I get on this thing and realize it's been weeks since I've actually written anything.

I had a great birthday month thanks to some special people in my life. Great gifts, Happy Birthday banners in my office and home, a great big balloon, one luncheon, two dinners, the theatre (Agatha Christie, no less!), and most of all, the attention. It's true, we Leos do like the attention. Funny thing, this time, though. I felt a bit uncomfortable with all the time and lovely gifts. Almost as if I didn't deserve this, I must be keeping my friends from something more important. What's happened to this Leo, this woman?

Don't ya just love the sun?

2008-07-19T19:32:00.002-06:00

I do. And I heard on Oprah the other day - and everyone knows that makes it the gospel - that we don't get enough sun. This doc was on saying how women (and others I guess) avoid the sun because of the skin cancer scare. The doc emphasized that sunburn is what we should avoid, not sunshine. So we're not getting enough Vitamin D and it somehow acts like a hormone that affects our general health and feeling of well-being. How do you like that?

Today Luke and I played outside and swam and played some more. We had fun. We got sun. We got Vitamin D. Hurrah!

Do you spend enough time in the sun?

Professional Responsibility

2008-07-15T19:59:00.002-06:00

Today I was late leaving work due to an urgent referral from a nurse. He had just heard an unusual question from our patient. The guy had asked him, "how long have I been here?" He was referring to the length of time he had been in TDCJ. The nurse came down the hall and told me he was concerned. This patient had never appeared confused before and today he seem to have an altered mental status.

I interviewed the patient - using a mini mental status exam - and determined he was not oriented to date, had impaired short-term and long-term memory, had reduced appetite, and had speech with an unusual rhythm. After he told me he had been missing meals, I weighed him and found he had lost 9 pounds in a 10-week period. A quick review of his medical record also indicated he had seen the medical provider a few weeks ago and received a tentative diagnosis of TIA (that's a mini stroke to us non-medical folks). The patient had been waiting on a referral for 2 weeks. As he was not evidencing any signs of a current TIA, the nurse and I had no choice but to send him back to his cell. Good luck!

So there I was feeling very bad and more than a little concerned about the patient, and I realized that unless my car could sprout wings, I'd be late for daycare. Great. I wish I could say these days happened rarely but I have some sort of patient crisis about once a week. I wouldn't mind so much if they'd happen earlier in the day.

BTW, when I looked up the patient's TDCJ information, I found he had been incarcerated for 21 years on a 30-year sentence for murder of an unknown male and attempted murder (with a hammer) of his wife.

Earlier in the day, I was facilitating group therapy and a colleague interrupted me to tell me one of my patients had another pseudo-seizure and I was needed in the ER. The group members were irritated by the interruption.

This evening, the daycare workers were (only slightly) irritated by me sliding in a few minutes late.

Why is it that no matter how hard I work, I end up either apologizing to some people or feel like I should?

Upon turning 50

2008-07-08T23:47:00.002-06:00

I'm not actually 50 yet but soon will be. And I'm not freaking out about being old so much as beginning to freak out about what I have not yet accomplished. I didn't realize it but I guess I've had these preconceived notions of how my life would look at 50. I certainly didn't think I would have a young child again. I thought I would have more money, time, and freedom for travel. Certainly believed I would own my own home. I never thought I would be this heavy. Thought that by now I'd be earning much more and have those student loans paid down. Didn't think I would ever have to live without my daughter. Thought maybe I would have found a companion -- I've never wanted to remarry.

But I've laid awake tonight, as in recent nights, thinking about the wherefores. My spiritual philosophy has been that I am basically where I'm supposed to be in life. That I'm accomplishing things on a deeper level so that when I go back home, my soul will have progressed. I do believe that. I just can't believe that I don't deserve to have some of the other stuff here.

I know the work that I do is important. I help an under-served population. It would be nice if the federal government would view my work like it does that of teachers and nurses. Then my student loans could be forgiven. Of course, our society's view of the importance of mental health treatment is a huge soapbox topic by itself.

Why can't I do the work I want and still make money? I know that my career path is at least on an upward incline now. I finally received my temporary LPC license. At some future point, I'll be eligible for promotions and a higher pay scale. But there's a big part of me that feels like time is running out. Time goes by so quickly now. Remember when we were little and it seemed like Christmas took forever to come around again? I blink now and it's here again.

Before anyone (who means well) suggests I use positive thought, believe me, I do. All day. And before I go to sleep. It's these times in the middle of the night when the goblins of self-doubt come around. Why did I make the choices I did that led me to this place? Can I please go back in time and tweak just a few things?

Happy Birthday

2008-07-04T09:34:00.005-06:00

I can write about this now. My lovely daughter, Rachel, would have been 27 on June 17, 2008. We had a birthday party for her, her son, his father, my son, her sister, me, and Rachel. She loved the big chocolate chip birthday cookies and that's what we had for her. More chocolate than white icing (yes, we remembered Rachel). And lots of butterflies - on the cookie, the napkins/plates, and streamers. We had her favorite punch, the sherbet kind, green - her favorite color. Sang happy birthday. Her son blew out the candles. We watched a few videos of her. Most of what we have are of her with the children. And I think more of her video taping the kids than actually in them. But we heard her voice, saw a bit of her, and saw things through her eyes. Her love for her family and for nature is so obvious.

We will always miss you, Rachel. I know that in spirit you've only returned to your true form. And I know that you still visit us often. Still watch over your son. Can you see how beautifully he's growing, Rachel? How much like you he looks? He's a great kid. I know you're proud of him. Happy Birthday, baby.

jeez with the whine

2008-07-04T09:02:00.002-06:00

So yesterday I went to court again regarding my soon-to-be son's case. This was the second time we were supposed to go to trial to terminate parental rights. Once again, due to some technical glitch, we were postponed for another 3 months. I was disappointed, to say the least. Still not closer to adopting him. Another vacation day wasted. More time off work means working that much harder when I go back. Tired of going to court. Tired of attorneys and court rooms. Tired of that stupid drive downtown. Tired of not being his legal mom.

I told a friend about it and complained, "Jeez, you'd think these people got paid by the month! They keep postponing this until it's almost 2 years later!" Then she said, "uh, they DO get paid by the month."

Call me an optimist or just some sort of wishful thinker or call me anything you want, really, I won't hear you, but I started thinking of some of the positives in all this.

Even though I can't call myself his legal mom, I do call myself his mother. More importantly, he calls me "mommy." Even though I don't like the drive downtown and the traffic, I do have a car that I trust, have air conditioning, have a radio/CD player, and can afford the gas it takes me to get there. I do get to go to court and have court appointed attorneys working on this case. I have a GREAT CPS caseworker. We hear so much about the bad CPS people but I have had 2 out of 2 good people working on this case. I do have vacation days to take off. How many people don't get any paid time off? And I do have a job I love to which to return.

I am adopting this boy I call my son. It may take longer than I would have liked, but it is happening.

Who would have "thunk" it a few years ago (least of all me!)? I'm a mommy again. I have a son.

Malingering

2008-06-14T07:56:00.002-06:00

This last week, an inmate saw me in the corridor and told me he's been falling out of his upper bunk due to his new psyc med dose. He wants a bottom bunk restriction. I told him to write me (on a request slip) and I'd talk to him later about it.

Several inmates have been thinking of reasons why they need this bottom bunk now and/or a 1st floor cell. I can think of one good reason why they might. Prison is not airconditioned. The only way you get a fan is if you have money (someone sends it to you from the outside). If you're indigent, you're just hot. Heat travels up, right? A bunk on the 3rd row, even a top bunk, in this heat, with no air circulation is more than uncomfortable. So I've been fielding lots of "reasons" why they need me to move them.

I got a call that the inmate I mentioned above was been seen as an emergency in the infirmary area and security needed me there asap. They were photographing huge bruises on his body. He got the bruises from falls off his top bunk - due to his psyc meds. I authorized his bottom bunk - a little late, huh?

To treat? Or not to treat?

2008-06-14T07:43:00.002-06:00

So yesterday, a colleague in Mental Health Services (MHS) and I were discussing malingering. Some of the stories I get, reasons for needing on the psyc caseload or needing medicine or whatever - well, some are so bad and lacking in imagination I want to say, "hey, go work on your act. I'm here all week." Others are VERY good at manipulating. I do believe we have some of the world's best actors in prison. Think about it. They've been manipulating parents, teachers, "marks," probation officers, judges, prison guards, you name it -- all their lives. And what they didn't know about manipulation and game playing before, they learned in prison.

We in MHS have real challenges every day. Do I diagnose an inmate based on the symptoms with which he is presenting? And even if I do request free world records, can I believe that he didn't manipulate that provider into a diagnosis? So if I err on the side of caution and give him the diagnosis and meds, here's what I'm risking: He can be procuring the drugs to sell or drug another inmate (for easier assault), he can be trying to get a diagnosis from me so that he can qualify for SSI when he gets out, he can be wanting what he sees as extra privileges for being on my caseload, or he could just want a good reason to come to the air-conditioned infirmary on a regular basis. And if I diagnosis him as malingering, will he not get the attention his mental illness needs? Will he hurt himself or someone else as a result? Will what he sees as callousness prevent him from seeking MHS again?

I've spoken to colleagues who've been doing this a lot longer than I have and they tell me there's no easy answer. We all make mistakes.

Stories

2008-05-31T01:57:00.002-06:00

Thought I would share some more specific stories. For the sake of confidentiality, some of the below information can be considered a composite of more than one patient. How's that for a disclaimer?

Let's talk about "John." John was born to a mom/dad (although it's usually only the parent who is raising them who does this) who had some serious mental illness issues of her/his own. Mom/Dad continuously told him they wished he had never been born. Nothing he did was ever good enough. This changed when he hit puberty. Then the parent realized that he could be valuable to them. They would sexually abuse him in front of their friends (entertainment value?) and then let the friends do the same. The only time they ever praised him was during this abuse. He grew up thinking the only value he was to them (or anyone?) was sex based. He feels soiled and ashamed. Who can he tell? Everything hurts so much, he begins to drink and use whatever drugs he can find. Sometime during this period, he also begins to hear voices. Guess what? The voices are degrading too. Hello Schizoaffective Disorder/Schizophrenia/Schizotypal Personality Disorder (take your pick). More illegal drugs to drown out the voices. A life of crime (centered around getting more drugs) ensues.

Don't get me wrong here -- I never say that people can excuse their illegal drug use or criminal activities just because they had a bad childhood. That one doesn't work with me. But we have to admit, it doesn't make things any easier to do the right thing.

So the guy's in prison and not for the first time. The psychotropic drugs help with the voices/depression/visual hallucinations/hell that is mental illness, but they certainly don't make him normal. And through it all, he continues to ask himself, why didn't my mom/dad love me? What did I do wrong?

So even in prison, he self-mutilates. Releases the pressure of all the questions. He puts up with other prisoners asking questions about his self-inflicted scars. Make fun of him when they hear him talking back to the voices. Give him a hard time when he tries to get out of his cell to take his psyc meds. This in addition to the guards who point him out as a psyc patient and may deliberately prevent him from going to his psyc appt or getting the meds he needs to be close to normal -- just because they can.

Sometimes it seems like these folks never had a fighting chance. You just want to go back in time and help the child. Trying to heal the broken adult is an up-hill battle. Still, because they keep trying to heal, we keep trying to help them.

Perspective revisited

2008-05-23T20:52:00.002-06:00

There are times when I feel that life is passing me by. And definitely times when I'm okay with that. But I see my patients whose lives really are in a holding pattern while they're incarcerated. Some have been in prison for 20 or even 30 years. They've never used a cordless or cell phone, never used a personal computer, or driven cars with all the fancy gadgets they now come with. Never had the fast food so many of us take for granted. Commercials on TV are the only link they have to the outside world - what's called the "free world" in prison. Some havenot held their loved ones in years, have missed their parents' last days on this planet (and their funerals), missed an opportunity for a career, and missed saving for retirement. They've not seen their children grow up or grandchildren be born. When they finally leave prison, the ones who WILL leave, of course, they'll start over from scratch. They'll be labeled an ex-con. With felonies, they'll never vote again, never be able to rent an apartment, may have great difficulties getting jobs or buying cars, and may find their entire families have died or moved away.

It's challenging for me to be their therapist. I can't really wrap my mind around how challenging it is to be in their shoes.

When all is said and done, no matter how hard I've worked, how many people I've made time to see or listen to or counsel, no matter how many lunches I've missed or stairs I've climbed - I go home every day. Home to my own car, my own apartment. I wear clothes I've chosen. I hold my baby. I shop for, cook, and eat food that I've chosen. I watch the TV channels I want to watch. I sleep in my own soft bed. I know I'm safe while I sleep.

I think that having led the life I have, I've always been grateful for my many blessings. These days, I feel my gratitude run so much deeper.

Hopes and Doubts

2008-04-13T01:03:00.002-06:00

I've been busy raising Luke. He's SO active and talking and full of curiosity. I'm teaching him and watching him grow and wonder. I wonder...if I'm up to this...how will I ever give him the space to grow when all I want to do is hold him close and protect him? Once you've lost a child, well, you've lost a child. And you never ever want anything to happen to another child. I examine him every day when I pick him up from daycare. "What is this little mark here on his cheek?" I ask his teacher. She tells me he got it playing with the other toddlers. I'll say, "How can we make sure these kids don't get hurt? Are there too many of them together?" When what I really want to say is, "Take better care of my child! I'd better not see one little scratch or bruise on him or else!" When he was coming home with bite marks on his arm a few months ago (twice), I demanded to know which child was biting. The director says she can't tell me. So I look at the bite marks on his arm and casually check the teeth of the other toddlers when they smile. I never found the culprit and have no idea what I would have done anyway. And then I received an incident report one day that Luke had bitten another child. So I think that now he's been taught to bite and he'll be a Biter (with a capital B) and why did he have to bite? Was he protecting himself from the first biter? From something else? But he doesn't bite again and also comes home with arms free of bite marks. And I know that kids play and fall down and even sometimes bite each other. All part of growing up. But there's a part of me that just wants to make sure that his little body stays pristine. No bruises, no scrapes, nothing unhealthy inside or out. I wish I knew how to do this. How to love and protect him but not be such a freak about it.

Shamrocks

2008-03-14T22:05:00.001-06:00

What Your Shamrock Says About You

You are brilliant, analytical, and somewhat of a perfectionist. You are ultra competent and knowledgeable.

At times, people find you intimidating. You can be a bit sarcastic and harsh.

You don't really consider yourself a lucky person. In your view, people create their own luck.

You are creative, innovative, and complicated. You definitely have a unique spin on the world.

The Shamrock Personality Test

Borderline

2008-03-11T18:40:00.003-06:00

So I have this Borderline patient (therapists: scream with me!). Interestingly, he was at the previous prison where I worked and then got transferred to this one. I was sooooo glad. Then of course I get transferred, too. One week he thinks I'm the best therapist that ever lived and he hangs on every word I speak, reaching for insights. A few days later, he thinks I'm "slandering" him and "holding my condition against me" and "misdiagnosing me." Today he told me he wants another therapist. So I told him sorry, I'm all he's got. Until he leaves prison and then he's welcome to choose any ole therapist he'd like. He says, "so I guess I'm stuck with you, huh?" I so want to say how if this were the free world, I'd have fired him as my patient a long time ago. I mean, referred. So we're stuck with each other. But he says he's leaving prison this summer. Sorry free world therapists. Hurrah for me!

Spring

2008-03-10T20:45:00.003-06:00

So many thoughts on my mind about Spring, Easter, and all that entails. I'm not so keen on the Christian ideas on Easter and the "Resurrection" and all. I mean, who could even enjoy the chocolate and the dying of eggs when you have to think about Jesus dying for it to happen? So don't know about that whole dying on the cross thing - I like to think he survived it, married Mary Magdalene, and lived in France. Sounds much better, don't you think? But I do like to think that Easter symbolizes new beginnings - and even a resurrection (read transformation) of the spirit. Yes, I do like the spiritual component of Easter. But I also get excited about the new beginnings in Nature - plants and animals. Little baby bunnies symbolize this nicely, don't they? Does anyone remember when they used to dye the actual live bunny? Not so nice for the bunny, it turns out. Many of them died from the dye. No pun intended. But nice pastels colors and all.

Holidays are hard for me. God knows I miss Rachel even more on holidays. I think that's true for everyone who has lost someone special. And when I dye Easter eggs with the kids, I know Rachel will pull up a seat and help out. She's real picky about the intensity of the colors! I'm looking forward to doing the fun stuff even so. Shopping for Baby Luke an Easter outfit...choosing (and eating) Easter basket candy, the aforementioned eggs and the hunting thereof, and everything that goes with it. One of the kids asked me about meeting the Easter Bunny (capitalized because he meant THE one). So I guess a trip to the mall is in order to stand in line.

I found myself talking to Luke tonight about all the fun stuff we're going to do together when the weather gets warmer. Like go to parks, swim, see the beach (his first time!). All the firsts that he has coming up. My new son. New beginnings. Life goes on. And on the days we choose to look for them - and the days that we CAN look - we'll see all sorts of new life and new beginnings.

Updates

2008-03-01T23:07:00.002-06:00

Since I last wrote about baby Luke, he has been hospitalized as inpatient last weekend, has undergone ultrasounds, more x-rays, and a barium enema. Been outpatient once again and seen his pediatrician once more, too. Still no explanation for his tummy pain. He is on a 100% dairy-free diet and using stool softeners twice a day. But here's the miracle of miracles: no more stomachaches in 1 week now! I guess we'll keep the appt with the pediatric gastroenterologist as a just in case and maybe he/she can shed some light on things. But I'm just so relieved the poor baby has not been in pain this week.

An update on prison - well, last month I got urine thrown in my face by an offender. I'll tell the long story later but here's the update on that: now prison security is requiring that I and other medical/mental health staff wear flak jackets when we go on medium or high security cell blocks. I could see if they were requiring face shields but the jackets? So in case you guys don't know what those are, it's a heavy jacket that looks sort of like a life vest. It's not bullet proof but is supposed to keep a shank from going in. Except that the underarms and neck areas are exposed So I guess it keeps a shank from going in to my chest area or between my ribs. I don't feel any safer, just more cumbersome. Ah well, as the signs there say, "security is never convenient."

I've got quite a few things done on my to-do list but somehow it never seems to get any shorter. More things keep getting added and it wouldn't be so bad if there weren't time constraints on them. I'm doing the best I can, though, and have to refrain from panicking. Sometimes I look at couples and think how nice it would be to have two people to do the things that are required to run a home and family. I know that's not the reason to be a couple and I also know what obligations come with a relationship. Still, I wonder if I'll ever be part of a couple again. And I wonder if I'll ever be willing to pay the price. Until then, it's me and Luke. And a grandchild here or there.

Today, my 5-year-old grandson had his birthday party. It was one of those elaborate pizza/game/indoor go-cart deals. I kept thinking that his mom would be so proud of him. I know she is still but there's always this huge gaping hole in any room when we're together as a family. Her vibrant, fun little self always added so much to any occasion. There are so many "firsts" to get through when grieving. The first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, children's birthdays, Valentine's Day...and then more to come. Rachel and I always had such fun with planning, decorating and baking for holidays. I am doing the best I can to keep the traditions going myself. I wonder if the second time around things will get any easier. She's been gone 6 months today.

Aggression, continued

2008-02-24T22:07:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking more about aggression lately as you may have noticed from the previous blog. For the last several months, I've been facilitating Aggression Control therapeutic groups at the prisons. The curriculum I was given to work with was bare bones at best and while it all makes sense on paper, explaining these concepts to these guys is a real challenge. I add my own material and make it as alive and relevant as possible. Can you imagine walking into a room of about 8 to 10 violent offenders and telling them they have choices? My first group rule is ALWAYS that the therapist (me) stays safe. Then they have to promise not to hurt each other.

I would say that most people I know, in the Free World, are not aggressive types. Yes, they may become verbally aggressive at times but how many of you get in fist fights on a regular basis? But take the population with which I work. Some of these guys were born into aggressive households, been physically (and otherwise abused), been removed and placed into foster care and then continued to be abused or fight back until they were placed in TYC. That's when they really learned to fight just to stay alive.

There is one inmate who had a background similar to this and then killed a man while under the influence of narcotics. He has no recollection of the murder. He was sentenced to 35 years in prison. He was 17 at the time. When he entered TDCJ, at 17, someone tried to rape him. He knew that if he allowed himself to be raped by this one person, he would be the target of many more assaults. So he killed that person, too. And he got more years added on to his sentence. But he was not the victim of any further attempts at sexual assault. When I met this man, who is now in his early 30s about a year ago, he was handcuffed and shackled, being dragged into a solitary cell and about to be gassed for becoming violent with security guard. I've worked with him for about a year now, both individually and in group therapy. I've witnessed the bravado, the fears, and the vulnerability of a man who was never allowed to be a boy. He has come such a long way, he now uses humor instead of threats of aggression. He's learned that not everyone is a physical threat to him. But make no mistake, in prison, these guys never know when the next attack is coming. He "graduated" from group therapy a few weeks ago and credited me with the changes he's made. And when I reminded him that he is the one who did the work, I think he really believed it. But despite all the work he's done, despite the changes in behavior and attitude, this young man will probably still spend at least 15 more years in prison. Think of all he will have missed. High school, dating, the first job, marriage, children, a home of his own, friendships and relationships. He doesn't engage in self-pity and I, for the most part, don't pity him either. But I have to wonder, what are we doing here?

We allow children to be brought up in aggressive homes, they watch aggressive television and movies, play bloody video games, and then when they act aggressively we punish them by putting them into prisons where they must use aggression to stay alive or at least stay unmolested.

Well, I do my little part. I teach the principles of assertiveness rather than aggression. I teach long-term consequences and payoffs. We do role plays and analyze previous situations they've encountered. I tell them the only appropriate time to use aggression is when either they or someone they care about is being threatened. That part they get. I'm not teaching pacifism here.

Sometimes it irritates me when I hear people talking about the inmates as an us/them situation. As if only monsters would behave aggressively; surely civilized people would never do these things. Now don't get me wrong, I always teach choice. Sometimes our choices are rather limited but we do have them. And even being brought up in a terrible home and foster care and everything else does NOT give anyone an excuse to be violent toward another person. And there are plenty of inmates in prison who did have good homes and all advantages and still made terrible choices. I'm just saying, can't we look at these problems as affecting all of us? An aggressive society costs us so much in terms of money spent housing inmates, the legal processes, thefts, injuries to victims, and so on. And it continues to cost one young man who has been in prison for 17 years and has no chance of leaving anytime in the near future.

What are you doing to create a more peaceful world?

Aggression, Violence & War

2008-02-21T16:29:00.002-06:00

I was checking out something on the APA website yesterday and came across an archived statement that was of interest to me. I'm sharing in case anyone else finds it thought-provoking.

First of all, this APA is the American Psychiatric Association and when I read this "Position Statement" I thought it had just been posted. Everything seem so relevant to today's international environment. It wasn't until I was about halfway through that I thought to look at the date - it was written/approved on June 23, 1948. I'll just recreate an excerpt here but I encourage you to check out the entire statement on the website.

"The American Psychiatric Association is seriously concerned about the unusual psychological features which are part of the present international tensions. It believes it has a duty to offer a statement on these matters for the attention of national leaders in all countries and for the general public, whose health and welfare are intimately related to international tensions.

The American Psychiatric Association makes this statement because psychiatrists are expected to understand the psychological causes of difficult and faulty interpersonal relationships, and should be able to offer some advice on their improvement. Such knowledge and advice should be applicable whether the adjustment difficulties are between individuals or groups of individuals, even national groups of individuals.

Basically, antagonisms are due to the activity of the self-preservative tendencies and their accompanyng emotions of fear or greed. The original biologic value of such reactions was to insure progress and development and increasing superiority of the species. The utilization of this primitive behavior, harsh and cruel as it may have appeared to the weaker strains, has led to the evolution of Man.

But if Man is to survive and develop to still higher levels of intellectual and social achievement, should he not now utilize friendly cooperation rather than aggressive antagonisms?

This question is directed to all national leaders because they so largely guide the feeling, thinking and bevahior of the gneral public in their respective nations.

Those who have had the opporutnity of observing the general public in countries other than their own, realize there are only minor differences between the citizens of various countries. The friendly kindness of the common people, their willingness to work for the common good, their love of their children and their homes, their diligence and their self-sacrifice - these virtues and values are shared by nearly all people in all civilizied countries.

But if the common man begins to fear he may lose these necessary values to the good life, either by actual or threatened aggression from without, or by unfair propaganda from within by unprincipled leaders, the masses of the people may easily be induced to take a position of antagonism. They may develop anxiety and fears to and even incorrect beliefs about the common peple in other countries. To overcome these fears, to overcome this sense of insecurity, actual warfare may result...mutual confidence between leaders of the people in all countries, combined with mutual honesty, mutual forbearance, mutual support - positive healthful attitudes, conveyed from the leaders to their followers - should lead to a higher, better and healthier civilization than any we have known in the past."

Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it, what the authors of that statement, written 60 years ago, would think of how much "higher" our civilization has evolved.

A long night's journey

2008-02-19T10:15:00.002-06:00

Baby Luke has been having some health problems. I would say mysterious because no one seems to know exactly what it is but I think that word connotes something pleasant -- and this is not. Can we just say the scary unknown? It started a month ago with him waking in the night, arching his back, and screaming bloody murder. I called the 24-hour UTMB nursing number and waited for a call back. By the time it came, he was calmer and even smiling. So I just considered the episode a fluke.

Forward to a few weeks ago when it happened again. The screaming lasts anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes. Nothing I do helps. I've had suggestions to use massage, foot reflexology, warm baths, you name it. Nothing helps him. All I can do is keep him from hurting himself while he thrashes about.

We went to see his pediatrician but had to see another doc in the practice. She suggested cutting out all dairy in case it was an allergy. So we did. Do you have any idea how difficult it can be to teach daycare workers that dairy can take many forms? "All we gave him was the cheese goldfish. No dairy, see?" Then, even off the dairy and on soymilk, he continues to have the episodes. This doc also said he may be having night terrors. But I look that up in my little ole' DSM-IV to find that he does not meet the criteria for that. It happens in REM sleep, lasts more than the 10 minutes, and he is responsive to stimuli.

Back to the doctor (his, this time). I'm told he may be having Reflux again. Or it could be Intermittent Intususseption (spelling?). If it's reflux, these handy dandy prevacid tablets will work. If not, and it's the long thing, he may need surgery to correct his intestines "telescoping" into one another. If it's not corrected in time, he could lose part of his intestines or get an infection and die. I was voting for the reflux here. So onto the prevacid last Friday. And lo and behold, no painful episodes for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I even call his doc and leave a message that the prevacid did the trick!

About 2 hours later, after the doc has closed, we have another episode while he's playing. He suddenly falls to the floor, screaming, tears running down his face, and he's arching his back so far I'm worried about an injury. I decide to take him to the hospital. We go to one of the nearby hospitals and find it is full to the brim with folks. Do you know people actually bring in take-out and have like picnics in there? Yuk! After an hour, with no triage, I asked how much longer. Luke was feeling fine then and hard to keep away from the weird chicken eating people. The receptionist/nurse asked, "what was he here for again?" So I left. I figured I'd be better off at home and how likely was it that he'd have another episode before Tuesday?

Right. I had just put him to bed and took some meds myself. I've been sick all weekend and running about 102 fever. I'm just about to lay down when it starts again. Since someone had suggested I actually film what he looks like doing this, I did. I could not stand seeing him crying and watching me filming him. What a terrible idea. So we jump into clothes and back to a hospital but not the same one. This time I take him to the other local hospital. A better one. You may ask why I didn't take him there to begin with. But then you may not know that my daughter died in that hospital. So I took him there and just did what I had to do. We were triaged in pretty good time there. I think we arrived about 10:30, were triaged by 11:15 and then...well then we waited. We were taken back into the exam room at 2:00 a.m. He had an X-Ray of his tummy. We waited. At about 4:00 a.m., after another episode of pain, we were finally seen. It may have helped our case that I carried his screaming body into the nurses' station asking how much longer. The doc says there is some obstruction and he thinks there may be constipation in spite of the several diarrhea diapers he's had over the past two days. Something about having both? So we got an Rx for pain meds and suppositories. He also said that since their hospital is not really equipped for pediatrics, we'd be better off going into UTMB if we need more tests. And that's what I had been thinking. He also said that UTMB radiologists literally wrote the textbook that pediatric radiologists all over the country use.

So I guess that may be our next step. I have to call the pediatrician and get further instructions.

I kept telling myself last night that since one of my children has died, surely I wouldn't lose another one. And if I were at the same hospital, wouldn't that remind the cosmic forces or something? Except I really don't believe it works like that. All I know is that I have to take the best care of this little guy that I can. Enjoy every minute of his life I get to spend with him. And pray for the best.

I'm back

2008-02-10T16:43:00.001-06:00

I noticed when I logged on that it's been almost a year since my last post. Unbelievable. Of course, the last year has been unbelievable in many ways. My friend Candice is fond of lists so perhaps that's how I can summarize and get back in the stream.

First, the Bad Stuff...

1. Losing Rachel - my lovely daughter died suddenly 5 months ago. My world ended and like so many others who have survived the death of a loved one, it was unbelievable that the world continued to exist. Other people laughed. I was expected to eat, sleep, work, and care for the little ones. I miss Rachel more than words can express. Nothing more on that now. Maybe later. Maybe never.

2. My work life was almost unbearable there for a while. Not the work itself but the supervisor I was dealing with. I had to file a formal complaint and go through all of that process. He has apologized now and there's some comfort in that. Still. He made my life (more) miserable.

3. My health. My back is deteriorating but the pain gets stronger. Weird, huh?

4. I had to put my dog, Chance, to sleep last May. I had him for about 12 years and so of course, I still miss him. I guess I always will.

5. Luke had health problems. He was sick almost all the time. Taking off work, doctor visits, trying everything to get him better. Found out he had allergies so I guess we can put this into the good list -- he's been much healthier since he's been on the Claritin and inhaled steroids.

6. Since the last posting, my other daughter has got clean, relapsed, and then got clean again. Attempted suicide. She's alive and getting healthy. Again, with moving to the good list stuff. That or I'm just an eternal optimist.

Let's go on the good stuff.

1. I moved into an apartment that I love in Friendswood.

2. I still love my work. Yes, I'm still at the prison. I'm facilitating several group therapy topics. Great to see a few folks actually learn stuff.

3. Luke is developing so well. I had concerns about him and know he's not out of the woods yet. There are still some things he has trouble with but overall, he's a dynamite kid!

4. I'm getting to adopt Luke!

5. I get to have my two "big kid" grandchildren almost every weekend.

6. I haven't had to use my cane in months!

7. I have good work friends.

8. I still have good friends from other areas in my life. This is a big GOOD one.

9. I'm taking the exam for my LPC soon.

10. The sun is shining today. We're going out to play now.

So, if anyone still checks in here or will again, just know that I appreciate all of you. Writing about anything was tough for a while. But I'm getting stronger and healing. Okay, wait a minute. What does healing mean? Not hurting so much? Not hurting so often? Finding happy moments again? Yes, maybe that's it. In that case, I'm on my way. I still miss you, though honey. Always will. Until I see you again. I'll always be your mom. Unless, of course, you want to be the mom next time around. Whatever.

Some days...

2007-03-15T21:52:00.000-06:00

I've been really sick for the last 3 or 4 days. The doctor thought I had hepatitis. I was beginning to think so, too. And being sick, with a baby, not easy. Plus worrying about him having hepatitis, too. But today I found out my tests are negative. Probably just all my usual chronic illnesses, coupled with lots of stress. So I figure my body is trying (really hard) to tell me something. Slow down and remember what's important. Taking more care to eat right. To do some yoga - how many years have I been talking about that?

Anyway, I made it through my first day back at work today. And got rewarded by seeing Luke's sweet face waiting for me at daycare. Our little routine of his dinner, play, bath, story, bottle, and bed. What an incredible joy he is in my life.

This evening I'm just so incredibly grateful for so many things. Neither of us has hepatitis. I'm smart enough to figure out what my body is trying to tell me. My comfortable home and pets waiting for me. Just stuff. Just another day in paradise. Gotta go make some baby bottles for tomorrow's day in paradise.

tribulations

2007-03-10T14:54:00.000-06:00

I know I complain a lot about my job at prison. Some things about it are really nice. Like the people I work with. Being able to find your "no-shows" and fuss at them, because they're locked up somewhere in the dadgum prison. I also like the paycheck and of course, the benefits.

Yesterday, I thought I was being smart by getting to work a half hour early. Just to have a head start. Had to work in the morning at the prison next door. Fortunately, I only work there one day a week. Walked in and found they had a homicidal patient waiting for me. Evidently he had been waiting over an hour. The nurses had called the on-call psyc doctor, who had told them to just wait until the psychotherapist came it. I had barely turned the computer on when I had security officers in riot gear bring the offender to my office. Then, get this, they left. That's right. The offender was such a danger they had to use shields and all sorts of protective gear to get him to my office. But apparently once he sat down in the office with little old me, he was no danger at all! I would have put up a fuss about it but I really didn't feel any danger from the guy. He was definitely a strange one though. Said he was feeling bad and he wanted to hurt someone. Then he would feel better. He had no preference on who he hurt. And from a few questions I asked, he had a long history of hurting others in not-so-pretty ways, then feeling much better about it all. Now when you get a truly antisocial personality disorder guy talking to you, you realize that they have absolutely no conscience. They recount these incidents with no more passion than they would read a grocery list. I didn't argue with him. Just transferred him to a crisis mangement unit. Bye-bye.

Saw a few other offenders there who have figured out that I go on Fridays. My boss, a male, covers the other days there. These guys try to time their sick calls to be seen by me. Trust me, I don't feel special. Just female. And a bit yukky about it.

On to my own unit after I finish there. I walk in to find the offenders walking around in their underwear. Please remember, my own unit is a medical one. Mostly old guys or just severely chronically ill guys, a lot of AIDS and Hepatitis C. Seeing these guys in their underwear is NOT a pretty sight. Turns out the unit is on lockdown. Someone saw a handgun and everything gets real serious until they find it. There is a lot more drama about the incident that I am not at liberty to discuss. Not due to patient confidentiality but due to me wanting to stay safe personally. Working in prison may be many things but it is rarely dull. Turns out I transferred another patient to crisis management yesterday. The intake folks at that unit were getting a little curious when I was calling from different units.

I started out to mention something about personal and professional conflicts. So just briefly, I sometimes treat offenders (my most frequent patients) who are convicted of sexual assault of children. Most of them tell me they are falsely convicted. And maybe they are, who knows? The others tell me they offended because they were victimized as children so it's not really their fault. Still others will say the children looked much older. I don't encourage them to discuss their crime. Pedophiles will never change. And talking about it sometimes excites them in ways I don't care to participate in. Here's the thing, when they get to prison, obviously their population of sexual preference, children, is not available. So they get frustrated and depressed. Then they come in for medication and/or counseling. They just want to feel better. As a therapist, my job is to treat the target symptoms. So I help them get access to medication. And they feel better. As an individual though, there is a big part of me that does not want them to feel better. I want them to feel very, very bad.

Even if you can't personally relate, can anyone give me input on how they would handle the conflict? Any suggestions?

Luke has a new tooth!

2007-02-28T09:43:00.000-06:00

While I was sitting in the dental surgeon's office yesterday, awaiting the removal of two teeth, I actually got a pleasant surprise! We found Luke's first tooth! I know, I know, this is not my first baby and it sounds a little silly. But...it's amazing all the same. He laughed so hard when I felt it. Like he is incredibly proud of growing a tooth! Well, he should be. He's been working real hard at it, with lots of discomfort and drool, for a while now.

By the way, anyone who knows me and my mouth (I did not say my BIG MOUTH), will not be surprised at this other development. When the surgeon was removing my teeth, he accidentally broke off another tooth and had to remove that, too. So now I'm recovering form the removal of THREE teeth. Ouch!

No, candance, it's not Castle dental this time.

Yes, the weekend!

2007-02-23T21:01:00.000-06:00

Another really crummy day at work - struggling not to absorb all the yucky stuff.

But....it's Friday! And I have all weekend to spend with my grandchildren. I'm going to play games and read books and make fun snacks and rediscover my inner child!

Anyone else have great plans for the weekend?

Today at work I...

2007-02-22T19:33:00.000-06:00

..Resolved several patient psychotropic medication issues

...Provided crisis counseling to an offender who believed the microphone in his housing unit was beeping at him through the night - and suddenly discovered that his requested "faith" unit annoyed the heck out of him because he couldn't stand hearing about Jesus all the time

...Transferred a patient who suddenly decided he needed to cut someone, himself or an officer or just anyone

...Provided crisis counseling to a severely depressed patient who hears voices telling him awful things (they never do say anything nice), including telling him not to trust me

...Handled a patient who suddenly discovered his change in work assignment was going to devastate his daily schedule

...Made rounds in the solitary cells, providing counseling to one patient who is facing life endangerment issues (other offenders are trying to kill him)

...and then saw my regularly scheduled patients, charted on everybody, and then scheduled about a zillion more patients for tomorrow.

Not complaining. Just venting. Big difference.

Fantastic Women

2007-02-21T22:27:00.000-06:00

I've just got to plug my Women's Group here. We met tonight, as we do about every two weeks, for our book discussion. Part of the meeting ends up being about the book and the rest is about our lives and what's important to us. I love that we can talk politics, world events, women's rights, you name it. We disagree with each other about as often as we agree. That's what makes the group so special to me. When everyone thinks entirely alike, how can you learn from one another? The other part that I like is that we are all women with metaphysical beliefs. No real fundamentalists here. Not that there's anything wrong with that (insert Seinfeld moment here). Just that we all have the same overall perspective and share the same basic spiritual beliefs. How great is that???

So tonight we briefly got off on a tangent about the choices we make before we're born and the choices we continue to make that affect every aspect of our lives. Told you we're cool! Then I get home and check my email. There's a message from the Universe. Yep, we correspond. We're tight. Actually, it's a service offered (free) through www.tut.com. So here is my message for today:

I'm alright with the concept of Karma as it's generally understood, Cheryl, kind-of, sort-of.

The idea of spiritual contracts is pretty nifty, too. You've always been a wheeler-dealer.

Except, of course, if either were laws, you wouldn't be unlimited.

Not even a little.

Oh well, they were cute ideas for awhile.

The Universe

Me again. That Universe! Always so timely! So where do you stand? Spiritual contracts? Karma? Law of attraction?

P.S. Emily has really great stories about being a Colonel on the drill team - and she's only 12!

Self Love

2007-02-19T10:58:00.000-06:00

I read this last night in this month's issue of Indigo Sun, www.indigosun.com. The article is titled, "A Gift for YOU: Five Steps to the Ultimate Love Affair" by Jody Howard. Here is an excerpt from the intro:

It amazes me how much easier it is to give our love and compassion to someone else rather than to our Self. We are quick to hold and comfort someone hurt and crying. When we experience our own pain, we feel frustrated with our self and with those that caused our pain, instead of comforting our self. We believe we heal our self by justifying our actions or blaming others, when in truth we heal by loving our self.

I tend to do that, you know, the being frustrated with myself part, when I make a mistake. Wonder how many of you out there do the same?

Thing is, I bought a hog about 2 weeks ago at work. Read previous posts for what buying a hog entails in prison speak. I've blamed myself because I knew the patient was selling me something and I just thought it would be easier to go along with it. He was threatening suicide and despite my efforts to calm him down, he insisted he needed to go to the crisis management unit. So I sent him. It was a Friday night. I was late for daycare. As soon as I started the process, he changed his entire attitude. You see, I believe he knew that once started, the process cannot be stopped. I don't care if God herself came down and said, "it's cool, he can stay," that patient HAS to be transported. So he began saying really awful things to the nurses. Making threats. Getting a serious attitude with me. I found out later that if he is transported to a crisis unit, all of his disciplinary cases get dismissed. That includes the ones he had pending before the "suicide" threat and the ones he got right before being transported. When he came back from the 3-day "vacation" he had the nerve to come in my office and thank me for making all of the cases go away. So not only did I allow this manipulator to get off without any consequences, I also feel I let down my co-workers who went to the trouble to write disciplinary cases against him. They don't hold it against me. They know I regret my decision. And they didn't know either, what would happen with the transfer. So I'm the only one who has been kicking myself.

Plus, he's still my patient. A little tough to have that old unconditional positive regard here.

This article spoke to me on so many levels. Why didn't I just comfort myself for that awful Friday evening? Why wasn't I more understanding of myself? Yes, I've got a lot more to learn about Self-love. (For helpful tips, be sure to check out StaceyG's blog - she's got some GREAT stuff!)

For me, I'm beginning to dislike the taste of pork.

By popular request

2007-02-17T06:37:00.001-06:00

In the flow

2007-02-17T05:39:00.000-06:00

First, a great big "Thank you!" to all those who have helped me be in the flow these last several weeks:

Christy - who loaned me her husband's car to use for a week! And to her husband, Jim, who graciously said it was fine with him - Jim, you're a gem, but I bet you've heard that before!

Marcia - who drove to prison to pick me up from work, altering her sleep schedule to make sure I didn't end up sleeping at prison :)

Rachel - who got up extra early to drive me TO prison - what a kid!

Candice - who said she'd be there for me - and meant it

Stacey - whose faith in me keeps me afloat and whose faith in the universe inspires me

And to all others out there, from church, from women's group, and everywhere - thank you for continuing to hold me in the light and see me through this.

I did keep going to work even when my car was repossessed. And I did get the car back before it was auctioned. Even more importantly (and boy! are those first 2 things important!), the universe kept me afloat. I continually remind myself that my job, my car, my paycheck, and everything else that may appear paramount - are not my true source. The universe/God is my source. Yes, Bubba's Sis, I use the terms "universe" and "god" interchangeably. I also use "creator." They all mean the same to me - my higher power.

I believe that gratitude is one of the tools that keeps my good flowing. Actually, it's not just ME that believes that - a great many friends also hold that belief. And it's a principle that Unity has been teaching for about a hundred years. Also, The Secret (a DVD totally worth your while to watch) is spreading the news.

I remain incredibly grateful for all the big and little things in my life, all those things I see now and all those that have yet to manifest.

A mini-list:
1. My faith
2. My family (extended)
3. My friends
4. My bed (hey! it's a pillow top...)
5. My education
6. Job/job skills
7. Vacations
8. Pets
9. My very own home
10. A forum for my thoughts

Permission

2007-01-27T15:25:00.000-06:00

My car was repossessed last week. I've been having trouble making payments for a while now. Despite my best efforts to work things out with the finance folks, they came in the night and took it. I've been struggling this week to get to and from work and to get Luke to and from daycare. People have helped and I am immensely grateful. I know that if they could help me get the car back, they would. I am blessed to have such good friends. I thought I had things figured out and that I could get an instant loan for the tax refund only to find out this morning that I wasn't approved and that I have to wait another 10 days. And I've been concerned that my car will be auctioned off before I can get the money. Luke's stroller and other things are in my car and I feel bad that I was careless enough to leave them there. This is a bad time for me but there is a bright side.

My email from "the universe" this morning said that I just need to give myself permission. And the universe will take care of everything else.

My life has seemed like this constant struggle. To raise myself and then my children. To care for my grandchildren, especially Luke, who is totally dependent on me. Getting my bachelor's degree and then the graduate degree. Working even though I'm medically disabled. Struggle and more struggle.

Struggling hasn't worked for me and we all know what it means to keep doing the same thing expecting different results. I just need to let go. Let go and give myself permission to expect miracles. I tend to get so caught up with worrying about what form the miracles will take. I know, I know, ridiculous. My worrying will only block miracles.

So here I am folks (and universe) -- letting go. I give myself permission to stop worrying. To stop struggling in the same old ways. And finally, permission to accept the miracles the universe has waiting for me.

From Rev Alicia

2007-01-20T01:13:00.000-06:00

So...what are your "soul mate" thoughts? Are you looking for your "other half;" your soul mate? Have you found him or her? Do you believe such a thing exists?

I will never forget the day, when I was 15 years old, and my dad and I sat at the kitchen table and had a talk about these things. Now, to set the scene, you have to know that my mom and dad had an incredible marriage. They not only loved each other, they liked each other. They rarely fought, and had lots of fun. I surely would say that they were one-and-only soul mates. As my dad and I talked, I asked him if he believed that there was one perfect mate for each person. My romantic heart was horrified when he replied that he thought that a person could fall in love more than once, with more than one person, but when you make a decision that you will spend your life with one then you commit to that one for the rest of your life. Not the romantic reply that would support my "one and only" theory. Of course the reply I had been looking for was that when he saw my mom, it was all over; that was his one and only and there never was nor would there ever be another woman for him. As it turned out, my mom and dad were married for almost 60 years when he left this realm. And my mom still says that there was no one but my dad for her.

As I have come to grow and mature personally and spiritually I, too, have come to see things differently... differently than I had previously...differently than my dad. The concept of soul mate has changed dramatically for me. I have learned that "falling in love" and loving are two different things entirely. I learned that romance and soul mates are not mutually exclusive, nor are they always what we thought they were. To say that there absolutely either is nor is not such a thing as soul mate would be to limit God.

Like all of our wonderful, diverse universe of body, mind and spirit, the concept of soul mates is a paradox. So, I invite you to consider this possibility. In the Revealing Word, Charles Fillmore co-founder of Unity states: "Man is Spirit, soul, and body. Spirit is the I AM, the individuality (the God part of us). The body is soul expressing, and soul includes the conscious and subconscious minds. Soul makes the body, the body is the outer expression of the soul, and bodily health is in exact correspondence to the health of the soul."

In other words, the soul is the sum total of our present level of awareness. It is the vehicle through which we are growing and perfecting our awareness to it's full potential. This is the part of us that grows and develops as we mature and gain spiritual wisdom and understanding. The more we grow and develop, the more of our true essence; Spirit, we express...the more health we express...the more prosperity and harmony we express...the more love we express and experience.

Considering this...to me a soul mate is more like something we earn by right of consciousness than something we find by chance in the elevator, telling us "you complete me."

According to the law of attraction, we draw by right of consciousness that which we need for our spiritual growth. Could this mean that the unhappy relationship experiences we have had in the past were soul mates of sorts...helping us to develop our soul? And then when we "got it," when we learned the lesson, devloped the spiritual quality or strength, we were able to either release, or elevate that uncomfortable relationship to a higher level. Hmmm...worth pondering. Holding THAT thought, what if we quit too soon...before we "got" the lesson? What would we most likely attract then? This is where the "frying pan into the fire" cliche comes from.

I think that the biggest error belief that some of us tend to hold about soul-mates is that we will meet our soul-mate, fall in love at first sight, and live happily ever after. We think it will be easy and smooth riding for the rest of our lives.

Our relationships, like our souls, are vehicles through which we grow and develop. We learn and grow not by basking in the glow of romance, but by learning to give and receive and share; we learn and grow not by our easy compatibility but by overcoming our differences and challenges; we learn and grow not by the downhill coast, but by the uphill struggles we share and support each other.

And I embrace and even higher concept of soul-mate. I see all people, and all creation as soul-mates. Through our actions and interactions we come together to learn and develop as together we succeed, fail, love, hate, laugh, cry, pray and praise; as together we overcome self-centered narcissism in favor of the truth of our Oneness in Diversity. Then...and only then...will we truly, fully and completely experience our Oneness in God.

On being assertive/a hard ass

2007-01-20T00:37:00.000-06:00

Having patients "no-show" for appointments is nothing new for many professions: doctors, nurses, and therapists. In the "world" being a therapist and having someone not show for their appointment can be frustrating and expensive. In prison, it is likewise quite frustrating. Because in this setting, I have to actually hunt them down and talk to them, even if they decide not to show. And they know this. They can request an appointment, knowing full well that their rights as offenders means I have to see them within 48 hours after I get their request. So I go through the TDC computer and have a special pass that gets printed and handed to them the night before, in their dorms, that says they have an appointment for the next day. They use that appointment to get out of going to work or to school or whatever. And sometimes, they then decide to just hang out in their dorm and sleep, watch TV, play dominoes, or whatever. After all, they know I've got to come find them, right? So that's what I've been doing. And whenever I try to bring this up as a therapeutic issue, they tell me they did not get their pass or else they got it and the security officers wouldn't let them. And because I do know these things are POSSIBLE, I have let them go. Other folks do not and write them disciplinary cases for this. So I finally started writing cases myself the other day. And sure enough, I had two patients who came in very angry with me. One reminded me that he was in prison for assault. Yet I held my ground and informed them that we would deal with their anger therapeutically. Likewise for their lack of accountability. It worked out okay and both ended up leaving much less angry than when they came in. Since I wrote an additional five cases yesterday, I'm sure I'll have lots more angry men on Monday. And eventually, I'll have a lot less no-shows. One of the nurses said I officially became a member of the hard ass club, congratulating me. And you know what? I'm okay with that. And with the respect that it garners.

Living alone (just the two of us)

2007-01-16T23:37:00.000-06:00

The empty nest is underrated...Nora Ephron

That quote stays at the bottom of this blog but I don't think it's very noticeable. I always know it's there. And I fervently believe it. Not that this applies to Baby Luke, but it does to everyone else in my nest. Those who live in it and those who visit a bit too frequently. I'm dreaming of the day when Luke and I can move out and get our very own place. May 2007 is the plan.

We'll do very well in our own quiet home. I've always enjoyed living alone -- during the times when my little (or not so little) birds have flown away. Luke and I both do best with limited stimulation. I know, I know, I used to be somewhat of a social butterfly but that side of me comes out for very limited engagements now. And I've always liked a place to charge my batteries. Don't you all? One of my favorite readers just got her very own home and I know how much she adores it. Somehow I think she feels more alone in her house than she did living alone in an apartment. I can understand that. Of course, I also know she'll quickly fill the house with her beautiful art work and then with memories of good times with family and friends. But I do envy her. Not just for the very cute home, but for the place to herself. Luke and I would/will have a ball in our very own HOUSE! And that is something that I am intending for us. Would those of you who read this posting hold that thought for us? And while you're at it, hold the thought that I'll be able to keep Luke and raise him as my own. He already is, you know, in my heart.

Everything is relative

2007-01-09T20:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, an inmate threatened to kill me. He was in my office, lunging over my desk, with spittle flying from his mouth as he described how he planned to do away with me. His plans were not very practical, if I must say, because he planned to "lethal injection" me. And as he was handcuffed at the time, with no syringe in sight, I felt rather safe from that threat. All the same, I still did not feel comfortable until I finally convinced the security officer to remove him from my office. Even then, he still loitered, shouting at me and about me, at my doorway. I promptly stood up, closed, and locked my door until he could be taken far, far away. Now the guy was genuinely psychotic and so I did not file charges against him. And I genuinely felt that I was in more danger from whatever his spittle might have contained. Spittle...handcuffs...lethal injection...everything is relative.

Today, I was called to an emergency in lock-up where an inmate was threatening to harm others because he had been denied his commissary. After hearing his story, I began to understand his concern. When you have been locked up in solitary confinement for 6 months, having a little store-bought food can be very important. Everything is relative.

Another emergency today, an offender was threatening to harm others because he was angry about being housed in a dorm he did not like. Two weeks ago, I shipped him to a crisis unit for similar threats. They sent him back, with notes that he was doing just fine. Today, I informed security they could take disciplinary action against him. He was just fine and I was an hour late leaving work. Everything is relative.

I get home, tired, hungry (no time for lunch again today), and in need of a bit of understanding. I have an argument with a family member who is not in the least understanding. Again with the relative.

I'm going back tomorrow and plunging in again. Surely I do more good than harm there. And being there will keep me from being here with the family. Everything is indeed relative.

More of life in prison

2007-01-07T04:13:00.000-06:00

I feel at time that working in prison and coming home to live in the world is a bit like straddling two very different lifestyles. The lingo, for instance. To "buy the hog" or to "sell the hog" refer to playing a con game. The "hog" is a scam, B.S., or being played. This happens constantly. The offenders have nothing but time on their hands to find ways to con the employees. And they are very good at this. Remember, most of them have the diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. They have no qualms about hurting someone for personal gain. Sometimes the gain is leverage against an employee. If they can get close to that employee, by learning some personal information about them, they can eventually get that person to break a rule. Once the rule is broken, the offender will then use that to blackmail the employee to break more rules. Eventually the broken rules will include bringing contraband into prison or having sex or doing something else that will benefit the offender. Buying the hog is when the employee gets played. Sometimes the hog is very small. The offender may ask the employee for a paperclip. Contraband. Who would think? That's the thing, employees have to be constantly diligent. I believe this is more difficult for health care workers. We're trained to help people. Even inmates, right? That's our job. And the inmates love that. We're such easy prey. But I've noticed the guards are also easily played. The offenders will call the guards "boss" and the guards begin to depend on the subserviance for their own sense of self-worth. They compliment the guards. They notice when they have on new uniforms or new hairstyles (the women). And if they learn information about the families, they'll ask about them often. I've noticed myself beginning to buy the hog a few times. In my case, it's when I'm beginning to buy into a patient's report of ficticious symptoms. Or when they tell me they're meds aren't working (I later find they're not being compliant with meds). Sometimes they'll tell me they've never been able to trust any other therapist (man, they're good). Many times they'll start crying in the office and then apologize for it over and over. Friday, an offender stopped me when I was walking past the dorm cells. He told me how he had to talk to me right away. He just heard his young daughter was pregnant, considering abortion, and he felt stuck in prison and unable to help her. He just HAD to talk to me immediately, without going through "all that paperwork." He could tell I am a really good person. (I assured him he had no idea what kind of person I was). But these are just a few examples. Then I'll get this sinking feeling in my gut. And I get angry, both with myself for buying into it and with the offender who is working so hard to sell it. Then when I leave work, I find myself continuing to be diligent about people selling the hog to me. I guess for me, that's not such a bad thing. I have had tendencies to be naive. This is an important learning experience for me. I just have to find a way to balance without becoming jaded.

And I know that very bad things happen in prison. So much of it is hidden, of course, from the eyes of employees. But in counseling, you learn how dangerous it can be for offenders. And so many of them proclaim their innocence to me. Especially the ones convicted of sexual assault or sexual assault of a child. And there is a part of me that wants to believe them, if for no other reason than that it would make it easier to provide that unconditional regard. Someone said Friday that our population there is 65% child offenders. How do I maintain an attitude of wanting to help them with their depression or anger or anxiety or whatever when there is a big part of me that things child offenders should suffer in prison? Things I'm working on. That and trying not to buy any hogs.

Note to previous post

2007-01-06T11:08:00.000-06:00

I've got to correct myself: Big Unity did not actually tell us to leave the church that year and go into the cold winter snow. What the usher said was, "would we please take the child into the cry room?" Not cold, no snow. The Big Unity is full of very nice people. And my friends from Little Unity told me they were actually entertained by the granddaughter's dancing this year. REAL nice people.

And I'm SO excited about the new year. Glad I stopped making all of those troublesome resolutions and just decided to be good to myself. Is anyone else out there as excited as I am?

Life in prison

2006-12-30T16:35:00.000-06:00

The holidays have been so busy; I admire those who have been diligent with their blog postings.

I had a nice Christmas. Enjoying my grandchildren, enjoying their gifts, was a true joy. To paraphrase a quote, having grandchildren makes having raised children worthwhile. The granddaughter and I attended Christmas Eve services at my church, as we usually do. And as usual, she entertained herself by twirling, dancing, laying across the chairs, and a new one this year, crawling under the cookie table. You may be wondering how we are not asked to leave. I believe the answer lies in the fact that we are a VERY small church. Losing even one member would make a serious dent in the membership. On the other hand, Unity is a very tolerant religion. On yet another hand (if I had one), we were at the big Unity one year at the Christmas Eve service and we WERE asked to leave. In particular, they asked me to remove my granddaughter. Since I thought leaving her outside alone in the snow -- yes, that was the year it snowed -- would be less than wise, I chose to leave with her. Hence, we don't make the trek into "town" for church anymore. I certainly don't blame the big Unity, after all, they can afford to lose a few folks, especially twirling in the aisles folks.

Other than enjoying those frolicking grandchildren of mind, I've also been getting acclimated to working in prison. Here is quick list of positives and negatives I've found:

+ The food is free - The food is not that tasty
+ I can wear jeans - I only have one pair of jeans
+ There are a lot of men - 1500 of the men are convicted criminals
+ I get exercise - The floor is concrete and the stairs are narrow
+ I get to counsel folks - There is a great deal of malingering
+ I'm BUSY all day - I don't have time to go to the bathroom

I could go on but you get the idea. I also have lots of interesting stories to tell. Personal and professional ethics prevent me from sharing them with my readers though. If I can find a good way to fictionalize them without them losing the incredulous nature of their origin, you bet I'll write about them.

Perspectives

2006-12-17T13:04:00.000-06:00

This last week at work, my first at my new job, has been overwhelming.

To put this in perspective, the prison to which I'm assigned, my unit, is one of three in a "cluster." Each cluster is supposed to have one master's level therapist and a bachelor's level caseworker. Very short-handed. My unit has no caseworker so those from other units come to help when they can. My supervisor, who is training me, was the therapist for my unit but is moving to one of the other units which has no master's level person. He's really been hopping around to all three, along with attending to meetings and other administrative duties. In case it has not yet been apparent to my readers, this has made my training fast and furious.

My unit is the largest among the three, with over 1500 offenders housed there. Of these, 175 are among the official caseload. That's right. I have 175 patients. But that's not all, any time someone gets transferred in, I have to do a chart review to see if they have any mental health needs and see them if they have a history. Offenders are almost constantly moving in and out. Also among my duties, is talking to each offender who is housed in what they call, "special housing." It is also called, "the hole" in prison movies. Looks a lot better than the movies. I don't think it's so bad right now but I hear it gets much worse in the summer when there is no air conditioning.

Friday evening, my boss left a bit early, and I attended to my patient charting. Suddenly, an officer appears along with a suicidal offender. Major mental illness. After I instruct the officer to remove the weapon the offender was going to use to commit this act, I then had to figure out how to transfer this patient to a psychiatric hospital. Fortunately, folks helped me. Turned out, I was the referring physician. Got promoted fast, didn't I?

Trying to leave, (it was way past quitting time) I then got a call that an offender in special housing was demanding to see someone in psyc immediately. So there I am, counseling a guy who is serving a life sentence. No chance for parole. At Christmas time. Talk about a bad case of the blues. No sunshine for months (how's that for Seasonal Affective Disorder?) and feeling hopeless.

I did the best I could and hope that it helped. I was warned that since the guy has nothing to lose, it was dangerous to stand too close to the cell. After I left for the day/night, I thought of other things that might have been helpful. Hope all has gone well this weekend and I'll have another chance to talk to him Monday.

I feel like I'm doing counseling on the front lines. You're right, tigger, things do come back to you. Feels like I never left counseling.

Now I've got to figure out how to refuel 'cuz it feels like I'm drained. Any suggestions?

The Sugarland Express

2006-12-08T20:59:00.000-06:00

That was the title of a very old Goldie Hawn movie set in, you guessed it, Sugarland, TX.

And I feel like it describes my trek back and forth to Sugarland all week for orientation. Except there wasn't much express to it. An hour and a half each way. Plus sitting for almost 8 hours. I managed to rush through most of my online orientation so that I can not have to go back on Monday. Talked them into letting me finish on my unit.

I was a bit surprised at how much I remembered about working at UTMB. And pleased that I remembered as much clinical info as I did when completing a mock mental status exam for an electronic record. I'm ready to get to work!

Enrolled Baby Luke in daycare today. He starts Monday, his 4 month birthday.

As tough as things still are financially these days, I'm feeling very blessed.

Prison life

2006-12-05T21:15:00.000-06:00

I learned today that we call anything outside prison, "the world." I learned a lot of other things today that I'm not yet ready to discuss. If ever. Tomorrow promises more of the same. Then two days of electronic data capture training. I won't even get to my unit until sometime next week. My "unit" refers to the prison I'm assigned to. As opposed to my world. Or something like that.

It's exciting to have a job and a paycheck coming. Also exciting to have benefits for the first time in a looonng time. And I'll get used to life behind bars. Tomorrow I learn what happens if I'm taken hostage. I think the entire lesson can probably be summed up as, "you're screwed."

They keep asking us if we're scared yet. If we're coming back. They don't know scared. Try wondering how you're gonna pay the rent and put food on the table for your family. That's scary. Maybe I should teach a class on how to pray your way to survival. Other class topics:

How to hide your car from the repo guys (Lessons in making a car disappear)

How to apply for and actually receive food stamps (Persistent Groveling)

Stretching your food shopping dollar (Use at least 2 coupons for the same item, shop late at night when the clerks are young, inexperienced, and hopefully a little wasted)

Avoiding Eviction (get your landlord into a lengthy conversation on the day she had planned to file evictions - she misses the deadline, repeat as necessary)

Entertaining the Kids (Attend every free event no matter how boring until they beg to just stay home and watch TV)

Yeah, and they think prison is scary...

New beginnings

2006-12-03T22:49:00.000-06:00

So I'm starting the new job tomorrow and eager to get started. Not so eager to be leaving Baby Luke. I'm sure he'll do just fine without me during the day but I know I'm going to miss him. I was fortunate when my kids were very small to be able to stay home with them. And even though I practically raised my granddaughter, I only worked part-time and went to grad school until she was 2 years old. Sending her to daycare then was hard enough. Of course, she loved it. And we were both better for it. But here I am. Feeling what zillions of working mothers feel leaving their infants.

I guess it's a good thing that I'm starting a new job in a new place. I'll have a lot to occupy my mind.

Just imagine: for at least 8 hours a day, I won't be smelling like spit-up. I bet I'll miss it.

Christmas things

2006-12-01T08:15:00.000-06:00

I channel Reverend Alicia here:
---------------------------------------------------
Holiday...Holly day...Holy-day Blessings!

Did you ever wonder why the whole "Christmas thing" works? Why do people get all caught up in the whole thing, anyway? Why do they fall victim to over the top spending, etc. Why is it that there seems to be no limit to the spending? Is it an evil spell woven by materialists in the name of Christmas?

Well...I think it is about the deepest, Spirit-level, fundamental Divine Idea of Christmas that stirs within us, and we attempt...at our present level of awareness...to touch; to embody; to manifest this idea. We have attempted to create it in our lives. We have woven stories, and myths and legends on the loom of this basic principle.

The basic principle goes back beyond time and space to the formulative moment of the universe...the purity and principle of Oneness with God...with all that is good. It IS the principle of all-good; of hope, love, peace and joy.

As clumsily as we may try to manifest this Divine Idea...in spite of our errors in thought, word and action... there are a few things that do come through:

At this time of the year, hope is in the air...hope and anticipation for a season of peace, love and joy. At this time of the year people are more friendly, smile more, and exhibit more kindness than typical. At this time of the year, we believe that all things are possible. At this time of the year lights shine and twinkle and remind us of the brilliance that ultimately brightens even the darkest night...the illumination of understanding. Bells ring and the timeless vibration brings us to cathedrals of days past, the bell tolls...calling us to worship...to worth-ship...to acknowledging that perfect something in which we can find love, peace and serenity.

You see...there really is a Spirit of Christmas. It is the Spirit of Christmas that LIVED and MOVED and HAD ITS BEING in the "real" Santa Claus...Saint Nicolas, who lived the principles of unconditional love, acceptance and sharing. It is the Spirit of Christmas that will bless our holidays with meaning when we cut through the trappings and feel the Spirit.

Today...FEEL THE SPIRIT! RevAli

PS...I found a radio station that plays Christmas music all day long...100.5 FM here in Connecticut. If you don't live in the area...find your station and love it. CHALLENGE EXERCISE: Sing! Sing the songs as you drive to work, to the store, or wherever you go. Sing alone!
-----------------------------

Me again, I'm going to accept Alicia's challenge and sing Christmas songs all day. This might put me in a bit of a pickle considering I'm expecting guests today. Oh well.

being a psychotherapist again

2006-11-30T01:18:00.000-06:00

So I've been thinking. Next week I go back to being a psychotherapist when I start my job at the prison. The thing is, just because you're not practicing, does that mean you ever really stop being a therapist? Is it like riding a bike? Can I just jump back in and expect those skills to still be there?

I imagine that being in prison during the holidays really sucks. I don't normally use that word but just can't think of anything that fits better right now. So if you're in prison and you need a therapist, how will it be to get someone who hasn't practiced in almost 4 years? Maybe refreshing. Maybe it will just suck even more.

Gratitude

2006-11-28T04:54:00.000-06:00

After a really great discussion group at church on Sunday, I decided to start a gratitude journal. Again. Anyway, the idea is to write down 5 new things to be grateful for each day.

One of the first things on my list is my church. Notice how we say, "my" church? Why is it that we take ownership like that? Anyway, I am proud to be a member. A tiny little thing, we don't even have our own building, we just rent space from a community center. But I think it just makes us realize even more that our "church" is just us. Whoever we happen to be that Sunday.

And I'm grateful for friends. I miss some friends I haven't connected with in a while. I can only hope that improves soon. I believe, though, that true friendships can weather minor separations. And I am grateful for the friends I have through my women's group. Come on, is there any more solidarity than having a bunch of women friends who share the same spiritual beliefs you do? They're the best.

So, back to the gratitudes. I've learned there's an even bigger way to do this. We can start by blessing all situations in our life, then expressing gratitude, then love. That's really easy for the situations that appear to be good, but I can see where I'll really grow spiritually when I learn to bless the situations that appear to, well, not be so good.

Advent thoughts

2006-11-26T06:57:00.000-06:00

Sometimes not having a lot of money to do early shopping with can be a real blessing. The Friday after Thanksgiving (and the following weekend) have traditionally been busy shopping days for me. I do enjoy it. Getting up before dawn. An excuse to stop by for fresh donuts and hot coffee. Dressing in festive clothes. Lining up outside favorite stores with other earlybirds. The rush of excitement when the doors open and you see all of the holiday displays and begin your search for the best gifts. The joy of finding what you want at an incredible price! One year, I was almost frantically searching for a toy for my granddaughter (it was half price!) and when I actually found it (okay, I may have wrestled it from another shopper), I shouted out to my friend and fam that I had it! They couldn't quite hear me, so other shoppers between them and me helped out by passing the word. So everyone in the store heard how happy I was! I even enjoy standing in the long lines. It gives me a chance to see other shoppers, hear their success stories, and see what gifts they've chosen. Yes, I do love holiday shopping.

But I have a habit of seeing the silver lining in almost everything. It serves me well. This year has been lean financially. But oh so rich in other ways. Self-growth, deepening spirituality, closeness with my women's group members, watching my grandchildren grow, and the special gift of Baby Luke.

So I choose to look at the holidays in the same light. Yes, I enjoy shopping -- and buying bright shiny things! But when I think of my favorite holiday memories, I seem to think of other things. I remember....

Christmas with my Daddy
How special the Christmas tree looks at night
My daughters' first Christmases
Sewing holiday clothes for them
Taking the girls to church for weeks just to practice songs for Christmas eve
The Advent services at church
Christmas Eve candlelight services
Our home Advent wreath and candle lighting
Playing Christmas music at home, in the car, and hearing it everywhere
Decorating my home for the holidays
Cooking and baking special holiday treats
Wrapping and decorating gifts
Hearing the Christmas Story

I can honestly say that I have tried to keep Christmas every year of my life. And as a grandmother, I have had many Christmases. I have instilled special memories in my children and now my grandchildren. That's a good thing to be remembered for, isn't it?

This year, my older grandchildren are ready (I think) to understand the Christmas story. I'm breaking out the Advent wreath and devotions. We begin tonight with the first Sunday in Advent. We'll do something, now matter how small, to celebrate Christmas every day.

I have subscribed to a friend's holiday email messages. She was our minister at Unity before she moved to New England to care for her aging mother. She's writing special emails all season long to help all of us celebrate Christmas. I'll share some of them after I ask her for permission.

I'd love to hear other ideas for keeping Christmas.

Believe it or not...

2006-11-15T08:26:00.000-06:00

the folks at the prison offered me the job! I got the call two days ago and have been going through a rapid background check in order to meet the first of two possible start dates. If everything gets completed in time, I'll be starting on Monday. If not, two more weeks. Either way, I feel blessed.

I'll be therapist for one of the state prison units. I've worked with inmates before and at least I know a little of what to expect. Contrary to what some people believe, folks incarcerated are mostly just folks. Okay, many have antisocial personality disorder but I know a few people on the outside who might also fit that diagnosis. This way, at least you're not going to meet them in a social setting. Or in a dark alley.

As a surprise to me, I found that even people who have committed what I consider to be atrocious crimes can also have the same thread of humanity in them that we all share. So I expect to find many more similarities than differences.

When you get right down to it, therapy is just helping the patient -- any patient -- live a healthier, better adjusted life. In this case, that life will be behind a prison wall.

The doctor who hired me talked about me getting a license. I expected to get work on my hours and get an LPC licence. She mentioned that an LPA might be quicker. Not that she cares so much. She just says I can get more pay with a license, either one. I do know that I have to get a supervisor for my hours. Time to start shopping.

I'm trying to push through the daycare search and placement. I've found a daycare that offers special needs care for Baby Luke. And I checked the state site for daycare inspections and found they have a history of very few violations -- and no serious ones at that.

Again, I feel blessed. It's great to know that I'll soon have a job and can earn money for my little family.

Interview: Part Two

2006-11-10T15:32:00.000-06:00

Let me preface this by saying I am sick. The feverish, achy, head and chest full of things you'd rather never know about, kind of sick. I said that partly to explain my negative view of yesterday and mostly just to get sympathy. I'll take it wherever I can get it.

If the first interview was funny bad, the second one was just bad.

To begin, do my readers realize that with small children, just getting to an interview is monumental? There's babysitting to arrange. And meals to prep. And sleep schedules to arrange. Diaper bags to pack. Instructions to give. And add an extra 30 to 45 minutes for getting to and giving instructions to the babysitter. So I was already tired when I started.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not so good with directions. I need a map. I thought I had circumvented my direction impairment with getting directions verbally, from Yahoo, and from Google. After all, someone has to have it right, don't they? Nope, they do not.

So on the way to Rosharon. Who knew there was even such a place? None of my directions mentioned that I would have to turn off of FM 1462 to get to the prison. After driving 15 miles too far, I stopped for directions. So add an extra 30 minutes drive time. I'm almost there eventually and notice the electrical stuff on my car going haywire. Okay, more haywire than usual. My spedometer works about half the time. The gas gauge about 25% of the time but I compensate by remembering when and how much gas I've put in. The temperature gauge hasn't worked in over a year so it can really surprise a passenger to know that my engine temperature is either 0 degrees or way past the highest mark. This time, however, when I finally pull into the parking lot, my driver's window will not raise.

Now at this point, 1:45 p.m., I'm thinking that I'm 45 minutes late. Even though I left at 11:30 to give myself adequate time, I've run into lots of problems. So I stopped in Alvin to call about being late. Having no cell phone (not by choice), I have to stop and find a pay phone that works. Then call all three of the numbers that this guy gave me. I think the cell number is wrong because I get a message left by someone surly. At least I hope it's wrong. The other numbers keep ringing back and forth between different departments. Finally I leave messages saying I'm late but on the way. This took a while 'cuz I had to search for quarters during all of these calls. Which probably contributed about 15 more minutes to my late time.

So back to pulling up at 1:45. I can't get the window up which I think is probably not a good thing at a prison so I park very near the guard tower. I walk up and this guy is out there waiting for me. I start out by apologizing for being late. To which he looks puzzled and says that I'm not late, I'm early. Then I remember that the interview was at 2 not 1. So I stop talking about being late, thinking he'll not notice my mistake.

We take the tour through the prison and I notice with relief that the building has no sloped walkways. The slopes at the Harris County jail contributed to my severe chronic knee pain. I'm feeling better now and he says he has a cold and I mention that I do, too, so he won't feel bad about the germs. And I'm thinking, good for me, maybe he'll get confused about that late comment and think it was just sinus pressure or something (on either part).

As we pass one of the nurses in the medical department, she mentions, oh, I forgot to tell you that your interviewee called and said she's running late. So much for my hopes on that.

We sit down in his office for about 2 minutes then a guard runs in, asking if I am driving a red Chevy. Yep. Well, it is apparently the end of the frickin' world that the window is down. I try explaining the electrical problem and she doesn't care. Got to fix it right now. To which the guy interviewing me says, well, we'll just finish the interview on the way out. Finish it? We've barely started. As we're walking he expresses surprise that they even noticed it. Well, I told him, I did park right in front. As we're walking, every guard we pass mentions the car with the window down like it's the worst thing they've ever heard of. "Who leaves a windown down in a PRISON?!!!" I figure out it's worse than I would have thought since they have trustees bunked in a camp house of sorts without any gates or security outside the fence. So any one of them could have jumped in my car and left. Yep, I did that. I get to my car and lo and behold, this time, the electrical thing works and the window raises. Does this make me look even worse? It doesn't matter, the interview is over. He walks away saying he'll get back to me. Right.

Think it's over? nope. I'm driving out of the prison and right before I get to the main road, my car runs out of gas. I realize that my daughter has been driving my car and I really have no idea how much I had to start with. So not only am I thinking that I'm stranded but also thinking that I'm endangering freakin' security again by having a stranded vehicle there.

Now here's the good part. Not one minute after I turned on my flashers, a woman in scrubs stops her car and offers to help me. I show her my driver's license so she'll know I'm not an escaping prisoner. She knows. They have no female prisoners housed at any of those units. We drive to a gas station, they actually have a loaner gas can, and we drive back adding gas to my tank. It starts. We both have gas all over our hands but she has wipes. So nice. She even says good luck on the interview. What a nice woman. I tell her she's an angel and I honestly believe it.

I get to the babysitter ( a mother of 3 and a friend of Rachel) and find that she has let her children "play" with the baby. All of the things I so carefully packed in the diaper bag are scattered throughout her apartment. She brags that she gave the baby 8 ounces of sugar water. I don't scream here nor do I hit her. No, I didn't tell her beforehand that the only thing the baby eats is formula, but who would think I needed to? He's only 3 months old for god's sake! To top it off, she's dressed him in some awful clothes her 9 year old son wore when he was a baby. they smell like they haven't been washed in that time. To further the sugar theme, I find a BOWL of marshmallows and ask her about them. Yes, she's given them to my other grandson that afternoon. And she wonders why he's jumping like a madman around the room.

The sugar water she gave the baby evidently raised his blood sugar dramatically and then lowered it. Way low. I couldn't wake him until 2 this morning. I was feeding him formula with a dropper all evening. He's fine now but I can't keep from kicking myself for leaving him with her. I want to say all kinds of nasty things to her but don't see that it will do any good. Luke will never stay with her again. Rachel later says that the marshmallows are not a surprise to her; she has seen these parents give their children candy bars for an evening snack. Has anybody heard of fruit, people?

So if I do get offered this job at the jail, will that mean they're really desperate?

On another thought, my women's group had a really powerful meeting last Wednesday night. Discussing a good book by Chopra. I'll save that for another time.

A second interview!

2006-11-08T12:06:00.000-06:00

I got a call early this morning about a second interview at the prison. He wants to see me tomorrow so I'm taking that as a good sign. Of course trying to get childcare on short notice is something else. But I'm not complaining. Well, I am complaining but who wants to sound like they are?

So I was talking to this nice young man (I hope he's nice). Had to leave the room cuz the baby was screaming bloody murder that I put him down. He doesn't quite get the concept of alone time. I thought I was pretty clever going outside on the patio. Nope. Dog and other grandson follow me. Dog starts barking. Push him back inside. Noisy grandson not so easy to push. Then ran to pantry and closed door. Grandson can't turn door knobs. But he sure can bang on the door and yell. "What are you doing in there, Nana?!!!!" So I pretend nothing is happening over here. Maybe he'll think we have a bad phone connection.

Another thought, why do they have a position to fill so quickly? I forgot to ask what happened to the previous counselor. Hope she just left (and not in a body bag). It's a medium security prison. What exactly will that mean for my own personal safety? Oh well, I survived working in one of the busiest county jails in the nation. Sort of.

Happened to check out my horoscope for yesterday. A day late and a dollar short, as my aunt would have said:

"The stars give you the ability to think, talk and act at the speed of light. However, you might want to make a conscious effort to slow down so you can gauge other people's reactions as you strut your stuff. "

The first part not so true. As for slowing down to check other reactions, I WAS slow. Just not thinking quickly. Funny, funny, stars.

I found avatars on tigger's bog!

2006-11-07T18:41:00.000-06:00

The gods...

2006-11-07T17:37:00.000-06:00

they have a funny sense of humor, those guys. So I decided to read an interviewing book I had picked up at the library last weekend. No, I didn't have an interview then, just thinking positively. Felt rather prepared for any of 101 different interview questions (that was the name of the book). Went in to the prison - Jester IV - for the interview, and was told I'd be interviewing with two of the head docs and that it was a CLINICAL INTERVIEW. Yes, I just shouted.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think I'm a pretty good clinician. Just a rusty one. These docs had a list of questions to ask me about different diagnoses and even had a scratch paper and pencil ready for me to make notes if I needed. No, I didn't need those. But the very first question threw me. You want to know what that little beauty was?

"Name three mood disorders and describe diagnostic criteria for each one."

Three? For the life of me I could only think of the two most obvious ones. They gave me time to think and waited with their pens in hand (they WERE taking notes). Finally we skipped that one. After several more clinical questions we came back to that one. I finally came up with dys - something. So I start sounding out words like the folks on Wheel of Fortune do. I came up with Dysmorphic Disorder. No, that's not right. Then, Dysmenorrhea. Uh-uh. So the docs try to help, saying, yes, the dys part is right. They take turns saying, dys... to me. I still drew a blank. They gave hints. The disorder less than Major Depressive Disorder. Uh-uh. The disorder that's less that Bipolar. Nope. Finally, one said, well, do you know what the disorder is, even if you can't name it? Yep. So I proceded to describe (appropriately) one of the current disorders. Do my clinical friends out there know what the other two were?

Cyclothymia and Dysthymia.

Yep.

But I did get one question right that the docs said no one in 12 years got right. I needed that. The question was, if a person presents with hallucinations and or delusions, what 3 diagnoses would you consider? I chose bipolar, schizophrenia, and substance abuse. I felt pretty good about those until the doc asks me to explain why I chose the last one. I explained, holding my breath when I got finished. Finally she says that no one else ever got substance abuse right. Yea me!

Anyway, I qualified for a second interview - at the facility itself. That one's got to be easier.

I feel okay about going back to counseling. Maybe that's why I haven't got anywhere with research jobs. Who knows? I just know I want to work. In my profession would be great.

A job interview

2006-11-06T21:39:00.000-06:00

I have a job interview tomorrow for a counseling position. I'm just putting this out there: I want an opportunity to do this job. I truly want an opportunity to earn a regular paycheck again. May the gods be with me.

On being a Nana

2006-11-01T00:04:00.000-06:00

Quite a busy day around here. Seems like I was preparing for trick-or-treating since I got up. Took care of the 3-year-old (big boy) and Baby Luke. Baby Luke's mom was coming over to help and to be around for trick-or-treating. Her first time ever (and her daughter is 5). Only thing is, she didn't get over until late and she brought 2 friends with her. She cooked dinner for herself and them and then helped a bit with costumes and make-up. Again, I took care of Baby Luke and cleaning up behind her. The two friends were watching TV with the volume turned way too high. Combine that with my 5-year-old granddaughter being brought by her grouchy grandfather with the baby crying with the baby mama messing up the apartment with the other daughter coming in and out (she's getting ready to start a new job) and add in one baby daddy who calls every 30 minutes just to make everyone miserable. Add that the big grandson decided he didn't want to be a soldier and wanted to be a vacuum cleaner instead. He has this cleaning obsession. I thought we had talked him out of that costume idea though. So I'm really talking up the soldier thing. Then the granddaughter decides she doesn't want her hair fixed. Normally, you'd just let that go. But she's a wild child and her hair goes crazy. So I had to convince her that snow princesses always wear their hair up. Then she didn't like the make-up colors I chose. Wanted white blush and lip color as well as white eye shadow. Do they even make white blush? So I gave up and let baby mama have a go. Soon she was wailing for me to come back. I ignored that. She got to yell at baby mama. Some things are really sweet.

Yeah, by the time we actually went candy hopping, I was a basket case. Then I got to bring baby mama home to Pearland (her friends left early). Read books to the 3-year-old. Okay that part was fun. Did I add in that I had to bring the 5-year-old home to Seabrook? She cried forever not wanting me to leave her. Now that I'm home, it's time to feed the baby.

Somehow I thought that being a grandmother would be a bit more fun and a little less frantic. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful that I have 3 healthy beautiful grandchildren. And I'm glad they live close enough that I get to watch them grow up. So I guess I don't know what I'm really complaining about. Oh, yes, I'm tired, have a messy kitchen, and will be up for some time yet and still get up early to take care of both little ones.

On the other hand, you know, I don't think I really had time to think about what it would be like to be a grandmother. This happened much sooner than I expected. I get really tired, though, of people telling me I'm too young to be a grandmother. Really? Would you tell my kids that? How about my grandkids? Do they think I am just an early achiever and forced this role?

I'm through with whining tonight. Almost. After writing this, I've decided that it's not so much the grandmother thing. And not even that my grandkids are high maintenance right now. It's that their mothers are high maintenance ALL THE TIME. Did I do this? And am I fostering another generation of needy children?

2006-10-24T22:26:00.000-06:00

Just for fun

2006-10-24T22:06:00.000-06:00

Changes

2006-10-22T01:52:00.001-06:00

Seems like a lot of things are changing -- or maybe it's just my view? I like the cool-weather days. Always try to get out and appreciate them. Baby Luke and Nick love going outside, too, and our courtyard makes a perfect place to play and hang out.

Luke is growing and had his 2 month shots last week (a week late). He still has most of the same problems: body jerks, restlessness, difficulty being soothed, crying episodes that seem to last forever, and spitting up several times a day. Hey, the Prevacid he takes does keep the forceful vomiting to a minimum. The good news is that he is making great eye contact now and following us with eyes. He smiles and coos and I swear he's trying to laugh.

Rachel is getting a a job that pays very well (considering she has only 1 year of college) and we're looking forward to being able to pay our bills. How's that for a great feeling of wealth, tigger?

I've had a few emails and phone calls in response to my latest slew (is that real word?) of resume's sent. I have a job interview for a Clinical Research Coordinator next week. Doesn't pay much but it sure beats what I'm making now, right?

Rachel has a new beau and I couldn't be happier. He lives right across the sidewalk from us. So if I'm babysitting Nick, I can easily go get her if I need to. And the guy seems nice. A military guy and he's from East Texas. Can't beat that twang! To top it off, he cooked dinner for all of us tonight and even took care of Luke while I baked cookies with Nick. Wow! Says he'll do anything but change a diaper. I couldn't care less about that. If he'll just hold the baby, I'll be more than happy.

I'm really excited about Hallowe'en this year. We have all of our decorations up and this is my second batch of Hallowe'en cookies to bake. Both Martha recipes.

We went to a free pumpkin patch festival last weekend with all three kids. Had a great time. Did some Hallowe'en activities at the library. Reading lots of fun kids' Hallowe'en books every night. And I'm watching some of the old scary movies on TV late at night. What a fun time of year! I hope some of my friends are dressing up and going trick-or-treating this year. Maybe they'll come by and let me see how scary they are. That's a hint for anyone reading this :)

Nice people

2006-10-12T00:53:00.000-06:00

As a new post and as a reply to Nora, yes, there are some incredibly nice people out there. I am so grateful to all. Thanks to their help, I was able to pay rent today. I could tell the apartment staff was relieved; they didn't want to evict us. So we're still here and things are looking up.

For the first time since he was born, Luke has been sleeping without me holding him. I mean REALLY sleeping and resting. Thank you, God. He's been sleeping on his stomach --before anyone says anything, yes, I am very aware that babies are supposed to sleep on their backs now. Problems with pockets of carbon dioxide than can lead to crib death. So I don't take this lightly. But I watch him sleep and he is very capable of turning his head from side to side. I think by laying on his stomach and not his back, he doesn't have the problem with his flailing arms waking him. It's so nice to see him getting rest and feeling better when he's awake.

I'm determined to take some new pics of him tomorrow and get a recent one posted.

I have found homes for two of the kittens -- just got to get them to their new families -- and still have two little ones left. Anyone know of someone who'd like a cute fluffy kitten? They're 6 weeks old and eating kitten food well. So well that they'll eat me out of house and home if I don't do something soon. If I can't find home by this weekend, I'll take them to the animal shelter. Someone will see them there and want them.

Time for Luke to eat now.

2006-10-09T00:46:00.000-06:00

Feeling miffed...
Actually, feeling rather ticked off but the first word sounded better for a title. I've been searching online for resources for say...grandparents who have guardianship of their grandchildren? Turns out there are a lot of possibilities out there - even in Texas. And, again, out CPS caseworker should have been helping us. Found a number for an ombudsman. That sounds good. And there is apparently a Grandparents' Bill enacted by Congress to give a one time payment for help with initial expenses. Never heard about that. Anyway, this week I'm going to be very busy on the phone and in person at the local DHS office. For those of you who don't know that acronym, first, be glad. Then, it stands for the Department of Human Services. Except you don't exactly get treated like a human there. More like a sub-human. That's okay. I can take. Bring it on, folks!

On another note, I'm feeling a bit conflicted about the upcoming gubernatorial election. I'm thinking I might vote a different party than I've ever voted before. How about that? If anyone reading this cares to comment, I'm up for your opinions on current candidates.

And I realize that after not posting for a long time, most folks don't know I'm back at it. Doesn't matter much. I'm using this more as a forum/journal/treatise anyway.

2006-10-06T22:57:00.000-06:00

It's amazing...how much one's life can change with the advent of a new baby. Luke is sleeping now -- ssshhh! -- this is the first time he's slept without me holding him for almost 24 hours. I am so incredibly grateful for this time that I'm carefully choosing what I'm doing. Made more bottles -- that's first. Cleaned up dishes (from lunch) - well, I just stacked them - but it looks better. Then took the plunge and showered. Kept poking my head out of the shower curtain to see if he was screaming. Aaahhh...what a wonderful shower. I now smell like neither spit-up nor Bengay. Of course, I may well be wearing both of those smells again by morning. My arthritis flairs up terribly holding him all the time. And he hyper-extends his little body so much of the time that he's a handful to hold on to. And he frequently bangs his head back against my left forearm. I think if I got x-rays, there would probably be a dent in the shape of his head. Hence, the Bengay.

I had two job interviews for the research position. Then got an email today notifying me they had hired someone else. As badly as I need a job, I think this was divine intervention. These docs are a little...well, let's say DIFFERENT. Not that I wouldn't have taken the job if it were offered but this means the universe has something else in mind for me.

It was nice to get a comment from someone I don't even know. Good tips on foster family stuff. I'm planning to call the supervisor of our CPS caseworker on Monday. I'm really tired of being given excuses and told it's not her job to help me with resources.

And Rachel and I have decided to spend every day next week if we have to, trying different community resources for help with rent money. We have until maybe the end of next week before we get the actual eviction notice. The manager told us she would wait as long as possible. Once the notice is posted, that's it. They can't even accept money from us even if we beg them. Interesting how eviction works. Strange to be talking/thinking about it like this.

Folks on the Board of Directors at my church voted to give the September tithe to me. That's nice and will go toward that rent money! More than the money, knowing people care is really important right now.

Rachel talked to the Attorney General's office again today and finally got news that her ex will have his paycheck garnished not only for current child support but also for back pay. That's really going to tick him off. He's been trying to get her to sign an affadavit that he's been paying her all along. Ha!

And another bright note: after reading about other infants born from drug abusing moms, I realize that Luke is not nearly as bad off as he could be. For example, one baby whose mom abused crystal meth, was born with gross physical deformities. And since Luke's mom used a lot of shared needles, he certainly could have been born HIV positive. Thank God he's not. And even with other babies exposed to crack, he seems to stand up pretty well. Luke craves human contact and really responds to my voice and singing (go figure on that one!). Some of these babies become over-stimulated so easily that they cannot be held, talked to, or looked at directly in the eye all at once. Some shut down immediately and fall asleep when eye contact is made. Luke took a long time to become comfortable with eye contact but he's doing really well now.

I guess the theme of this posting could be: the glass is half full. Not wanting to push my luck, I think I'm actually going to sleep for a few minutes. Wish me luck.

2006-10-04T10:15:00.000-06:00

2 months later...my grandson was born August 11. My estranged/strange daughter called me when she was in labor and I joined her in the operating room for the delivery. Luke was born 2 weeks early, weighing in at 6 lbs 9 oz. Not bad for a baby exposed to as many teratogens as he was. Due to her history of drug abuse, testing positive for cocaine at one of the few prenatal visits, and abandonment of her first child, my daughter was not allowed to leave the hospital with the baby. CPS was called in and asked me if I wanted to take the baby (for now) or should they find foster care for him? What could I say? Well, it doesn't matter what I could have said. I did say yes. Hence 2 months of no blog entries.

Luke is an amazing child. He is a bit behind developmentally. His CNS is damaged and we don't yet know the extent of it. He has a heart murmur (which the pediatric cardiologist declared benign). He has colic so severe he was changed to a special formula. And that only helps. He has acid reflux and takes prevacid daily - again, it only helps. If he cries for more than a moment, he becomes frantic, flailing his arms (which only increases his panic), and requiring a lot of soothing to calm. He won't sleep anywhere but beside me. He screams sometimes even when I'm doing everything right. So I just start from the beginning and use the same tools over again until one of them works.

He's not amazing because of his problems. He's amazing because through it all, he is trying so hard to just be a baby. He can now focus on my face for a long time. He smiled at me for the first time four days ago. Since then, I've caught him smiling when I look down at him.

I'm holding him now which is what I do most of the time. Panic, remember? I don't bathe everyday and sometimes can't remember when I've eaten last. Those kittens are pretty much on their own as far as I'm concerned. They've got a mom to look after them.

Rachel was helping me with Luke. Mostly while I worked. Then I took over evenings, nights, and weekends. But she told me the other day she can't help anymore. I'm on my own. Had to quit my job. I'm not getting any financial assistance with Luke. Only foster families, not related families, get help.

As I see it now, I'm only a few days away from having to call CPS and send him to foster care. Rent is past due and there's no hope in sight. I have a job interview this afternoon but not sure how I'll get childcare for him even if I do get hired.

As a bridge from the last entry to this one: Luke's mom decided not to give him up for adoption. There was trouble finding a family who would take a "crack" baby anyway. So unless she gives up her parental rights, I can't find an adoptive family for Luke.

I welcome possible solutions but not pity. Anyone out there?

2006-08-03T18:22:00.000-06:00

Gosh, it was exciting to see my first reviews! I sure do have intelligent friends. Not a long post tonight. Just got home from my temp to hire job at the construction company. Got to remember to avoid using good diction and grammar. Note to self: try to work "ain't" into my conversations tomorrow. My boss said "onct in a while" today, haven't heard that one in a while. I wonder if I could pull that one off?

My cat is pregnant. I don't know any other way to say that. I'm terribly ashamed that I didn't go to the mobile spaying unit or followed it around before 6 a.m. and waited all day in the car to get her spayed. I'm trying to think happy thoughts, like maybe she'll only have one kitten since she's so young. Her belly feels awfully full, though. And I've learned that she's now called a queen since she's pregnant. Rachel has other words for her. Devil cat is her favorite. She thinks her spawn can only be mini demons. I asked her if she would help birth the kittens and she said that if she sees her walking around with one stuck halfway out, she might pull on it or something. For her, that's a very humanitarian statement. Due date should be the end of this month. Erica is having her baby Aug 30. And if you aren't aware of it, putting him up for adoption. So I'll never know my second grandson. But I'll have mini demon kittens. Is that a consolation prize or something?

Since I've got haircolor on my roots now I should probably stop. Otherwise part of my hair will be purple. It does beat gray but gets a few odd looks when it happens.

initial musings

2006-07-26T12:08:00.000-06:00

As most people who know me realize, I'm an opinionated person. Not so as you would notice right away, but underneath it all, I have my ideas. I am, however, an equal opportunity listener. I welcome others' opinions -- if they use logic -- and have been known to change my mind on occasion. Anyone who reads this is requested to give their own ideas on these and other subjects.

I have a lot on my mind. Not just personal stuff but world stuff. Like our political leaders and the world economy and things going on in the middle east. And mental health care -- or the lack of it in Texas. And how we tend to overpay those folks who are in the entertainment industry and shortchange those who work to save lives and minds, to teach, to care for our children, and others I can't think of right now.

I also wonder why so many research breakthroughs take so long to get to the public sector. I understand about meds but what about psychological theories that could actually help everyday people lead better lives?

Why is Dr. Phil getting so rich and so famous off of other professionals' research? Most people think he is the embodiment of psychology and the epitome of mental health professionals. What a sad icon!

Why are so many ideas considered "new age" or "new thought" when they've been around for such a long time? And why does that nomer have such a negative connotation with so many people?

I also want parents to be required to take courses, pass tests, and be issued a license before they can raise children, by God!

And while we're at it, how about more how-to manuals? You know, for things like "Baby-Daddy for Dummies?" I'm open to suggestions for other such manuals.

Some jobs ought to be mandatory for every person who turns 18. Like they can choose 1 year of waiting tables, working in retail, or changing bedpans. I believe we'd have a much more humble, understanding, and appreciative workforce.

And I can't end this initial posting without recommending Madelyn Albright's new book, The Mighty and the Almighty. For the first time in my life, I think I might have an understanding of the connection between religion and politics in the Middle East. Um, maybe we could ask our elected representatives to read this? I don't know, just thinking it would be nice if a few of them knew what the heck they were talking about when they make speeches (that the whole world hears).

What is your favorite Hallowe'en activity?
	Dressing up
	Trick-or-Treating
	Parties
	Decorating
	Crafts/Food Preparation

Free polls from Pollhost.com